Reader questions losing her sex life because of her weight but is that really the problem?
My husband is losing interest in me because I’ve gained weight. I was big when we dated, a size 20, but I hid it well. We used to have sex pretty regularly 3 times a week but now I’m lucky if he rubs up against me in bed. He says my weight is fine but if that’s true where is the proof? I’m going crazy, I’m afraid he’s gonna cheat on me soon. All he does is play Xbox all night every night until I give up on him and go to bed alone. I feel like he’s avoiding me and he won’t really talk about what the problem is. I love him and the rest of our marriage is great except this. What can I do?
Size 22 and desperate!!!!
Dear Size 22,
I don’t want to sound like an asshole but how can the rest of your marriage be great, if he won’t talk about it and he actively avoids spending time with you???
The loss of intimacy is more than just avoiding sex, it’s avoiding the relationship and what made it great. There is something bigger happening here than your weight, which is likely NOT the problem. We big girls always tend to blame our weight because we are so obsessed with seeing it as a flaw.
Let me start by busting a myth, so you can refocus on figuring out what the problem actually is. It’s NOT your weight. If you were a size 20 when he met you, fell in love and married you. Your weight was not a problem for him no matter how much you think you “hid” it. In all honesty, your hiding it could be part of the problem. Don’t be shocked, I’m serious. Men are visual and he’s clearly attracted or he wouldn’t have chosen you. Hiding what he wants, your body, could be putting a damper on his desire. He wants to look at you, let him. If you were a size 4 or in the range of society designated “normal” and then gained weight to hit a 22, then MAYBE just maybe then your weight could be an issue. But you were curvy to start and you’ve gained 1 size (10-12lbs). Not likely an issue for him.
Say this to yourself 10 times…loud: IT’S NOT MY WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!
Now what the fuck is it? Why has he pulled away from you? Why are you losing the intimacy you had and need for a successful relationship? I don’t know. Here’s what I do know:
1. I do know that it’s not your weight
2. I do know that your husband is actively avoiding spending time with you
Based on those two statements, I can say that the rest of your marriage is, at the moment, not so great. That doesn’t mean it can’t be again. Once you shift your focus from the internalized fat shaming and refocus on repairing what went wrong, your marriage could be great again. Here is a good start on working towards repairing your marriage. You need to have a conversation and it needs to be non-accusatory. You need to express your needs. This is not about sex, it is about intimacy, the sex is waning because the intimacy is fading. Fix the intimacy and the sex will come…
Follow these 10 steps to have a happy marriage:
1. No matter how angry/hurt you feel, never retaliate. It creates a cycle and cycles are hard to break. Rather than that, take time to think and address your hurt later, in a calm fashion.
2. Treat your spouse like fine china. You wouldn’t be careless with your best plates, you shouldn’t be careless with something even more precious. People break too.
3. Never do ANYTHING with expectation of a specific outcome. Mind reading isn’t a skill born from love.
4. Be truly forgiving of each other.
5. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Bullshit. Love means saying your sorry, meaning your sorry and acting sorry over and over until the person you hurt believes you.
6. Never stop dating and wooing your spouse. Don’t be complacent, always show your love.
7. Love is the foundation of marriage. Any problem you have has one cause (lack of love) and one solution.. More love. Give your spouse MORE love, more intimacy, more ability to connect emotionally.
8. Sex. Yes, please and often! Don’t wait for bedtime. Send a sexy text, flirt with your spouse, use every interaction as an opportunity to let them know you want them.
9. Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gifts from the heart. Easy ways to show the person you love that you love them.
10. Always put your spouse’s needs above your own, they will eventually do the same…
In your case, focus on #8…I realize you said sex isn’t happening but is the flirting? Does he know you want him? Are you being sexy and trying to entice him? Start with THAT. Good luck and as always, let me know if this helps. Also, if you have any other questions or find out other information – message me or leave a comment and we can try to come up with other approaches.