Archive | August 2014

Excuse #1 for Being An Ass: “You Told Me to Express My Feelings”

Ann St. Vincent left this comment on my post about Bebs:

“My ex once said to be “you told me to express my feelings” after I chafed at him telling me I was a total bitch.”

I have also heard that same sentiment expressed, while being on the receiving end of a verbal onslaught of derision and anger. This reasoning is complete and utter BULLSHIT. Asking your spouse or significant other to open up and express their feelings more is to help your relationship avoid pitfalls, fighting, adultery and eventually divorce. Effective communication is a must for a relationship to succeed.  You need to create a place where both of you feel safe to be honest, in an effort to improve your marriage. Honest and mean ARE NOT THE SAME.

Using your spouse’s request to express your feelings is NOT permission to hurt, harm or maim them emotionally. Telling them that they asked for it is simply an attempt to justify bad behavior. It’s childish and selfish and not conducive to anything but inflicting pain on someone you claim to love and attempting to do it with impunity.

You don’t get to hurt someone with impunity, there is always a cost. It may be a small cost or it may be a large one, but deliberately causing someone pain always comes back to you.

If you want a successful marriage or relationship follow these steps…

The Big Girl’s Guide’s 10 steps to have a happy marriage:

1. No matter how angry/hurt you feel, never retaliate. It creates a cycle and cycles are hard to break. Rather than that, take time to think and address your hurt later, in a calm fashion.

2. Treat your spouse like fine china. You wouldn’t be careless with your best plates, you shouldn’t be careless with something even more precious. People break too.

3. Never do ANYTHING with expectation of a specific outcome. Mind reading isn’t a skill born from love.

4. Be truly forgiving of each other.

5. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Bullshit. Love means saying your sorry, meaning your sorry and acting sorry over and over until the person you hurt believes you.

6. Never stop dating and wooing your spouse. Don’t be complacent, always show your love.

7. Love is the foundation of marriage. Any problem you have has one cause (lack of love) and one solution.. More love. Give your spouse MORE love, more intimacy, more ability to connect emotionally.

8. Sex. Yes, please and often! Don’t wait for bedtime. Send a sexy text, flirt with your spouse, use every interaction as an opportunity to let them know you want them.

9. Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gifts from the heart. Easy ways to show the person you love that you love them.

10. Always put your spouse’s needs above your own, they will eventually do the same…

 

 

The BEBs or Big Ego Bitches

We’ve all met these assholes. Gawd, they’re a fucking pain in the ass. These bitches make you fantasize about violence, which is annoying because I’d much rather fantasize about eating a never-ending Chocolate Nutella Torte without gaining a single pound. Am I right?

Hello Lover:
nutella

But I can’t do that because I have some stupid bitch and her ego to deal with and so do you! These fucking Bebs ruin shit for the rest of us. They normally go after good guys, play all sort of mind games, ruin them and leave them for a bigger and more financially solvent catch. These women are often personality disordered, though, they are just as often just annoyingly stuck up and entitled. Don’t get it twisted there are some Big Girls who have big overinflated egos too.

What’s the difference between being self confident and being a Beb? Self confidence means you have a good yet realistic opinion of yourself. You believe you have worth and value. A Beb is given to talking about herself. She’s vain, boastful, and opinionated. She says shit like: I’m not mean, I’m honest or I’m a maneater. She is indifferent to the well-being of others. Basically, she’s a selfish little bitch and when you meet her the desire to slap the shit out of her is nearly uncontrollable.

Now we have a population laced with men damaged by these Bebs and women with low self esteem damaged by unrealistic societal standards, trying to find men and women who they think will save them from a pit of despair. Women want a perfect Prince Charming and men want a Cinderella with porn star blow job skills. And me, I just want to have my Chocolate torte, a sturdy fork and my naked, sexy husband fucking me so hard I burn off every single calorie before we leave the kitchen.

 

 

Who do you think is gonna have the best chance at success? I’ll give you a hint…it’s me! Why? Because I learned a long time ago that Fairy Tales aren’t real and so I know I can’t eat a never-ending torte and not gain weight unless I burn off an equal number of calories. Enter this man: Hot, sexy, bearded with tattoos and lots of muscles. He’ll give me the workout I need to enjoy an afternoon of indulgence.

ducklips

None of us are perfect, what we should be seeking is not some Fairy Tale Prince or Princess but an imperfect human that has qualities and values similar to us. An imperfect but perfect for you- human being, that’s your goal. It’s not going to be easy because we all have our own baggage wain loaded full of damage from our pasts but it can be done.

A Few Universal Rules for Love

Don’t try to change the person you love, accept them as they are and help them, if they ask you, to better themselves because they want to not because you require it.

Drop the magical thinking. Marriage/relationship will not make someone suddenly suitable. If they have personality flaws you don’t like, accept them as they are or drop them. You can’t “change them”.

The first 6 months of every relationship is a “honeymoon”. This is NOT the whole person, this is as good as it gets and it likely won’t stay this good – all the time.  We all put our best faces on and our best feet forward, in the beginning. The real person? You’ll meet them by end of your first year together. Don’t rush the wedding….

😉

 

 

 

How Do You Deal With Broken Promises?

I got 5 emails asking me this question in a variety of different ways, different scenarios but ultimately it’s the same…what do you do when the person you love breaks their promises? One lady even went so far as to say constantly breaks promises. So, I’m going to discuss a broken promise and many broken promises because your actions will be and should be different.

Let’s start with a broken promise. Someone you love gave you their word that they would do something and they didn’t keep their word. This is not like a marital vow or anything, this is a promise to do something/change something/some kind of something. What do you do?

  • Don’t assume they deliberately broke their word
  • Ask them about it, in a non-confrontational way. No accusations.
  • If they say they forgot, believe them, especially if it’s the first time and they have a penis. (men forget shit)
  • Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill, if they forgot, show some grace and move on.

What if they didn’t forget? What if they just didn’t give a shit about the promise they made? Like seriously, fuck you! I don’t owe you anything. Who are you to make demands on me? Yada, yada, yada

  1. DUMP THAT MOTHERFUCKER NOW!

That selfish asshole won’t change and why are you staying with someone who would treat you with such disrespect? Seriously? Are you married to that ass? If someone you married treats promises to you like nothing…then you may want to have a look at your entire marriage? How is everything else? If he treats you with disrespect in the small things, the bigger things won’t suddenly be treated like fine china. This is the road to nowhere and if you are married to someone like this – get some counseling or get a good lawyer. No joke, he’ll be cheating on you eventually.

Multiple Broken Promises

Really? You’re asking me what you should do when someone you love breaks promise after promise like a serial promise maker and breaker?

First, don’t marry him. Second, don’t trust him – not even to feed your Goldfish. Fuck him till you’re bored, then end it. It won’t get better. If you put up with being disrespected, then you will continue to be disrespected. He has no incentive to change when you accept that kind of treatment.

For the record, he could be the greatest guy on the planet with a shit memory or a condition that causes him to have a shit memory. If that is the case, treat this like you would any other time he simply forgot. Forgetting, legitimately forgetting, is not the same thing as deliberately breaking a promise. Keep that in mind. Forgive and move on.

If you do marry a man that constantly breaks his promises, then don’t complain about it. You knew going in exactly who he was, you accepted it. Live with it. Marriage is not some magic fairy that suddenly transforms a person into someone else. If the person has qualities you didn’t like when you dated, he’ll have them as your husband and they’ll likely get a bit worse. Deal with it.

Does that sound a bit harsh? Sorry, really I am but I see women and not just BBWs but pretty much all women at some point in their lives believing this fairytale bullshit. I spend a lot of time talking about low self esteem but the over-esteemed should be addressed and will likely be another post. In a nut shell, we are all human and therefore NOT perfect. Prince Charming does not exist but then again neither does Cinderella. What you should be looking for is not someone who is perfect but someone who is perfect FOR YOU. Someone who loves you, respects you, accepts responsibility for mistakes and actively tries to do better. YOU NEED TO BE THAT PERSON TOO. It’s a two-way street. You both give and you both take. If only one of you is a giving and the other is taking…someone is being used. End it. [This advice is for men as well. Don’t allow yourself to be used. For Men – go back a re-read the piece and flip Men for Women and follow my advice.]

Tough love time is over. I’ll be back in a bit with more so …

Stay Tuned!

 

 

 

Adventures in Big Girl Sex…Married Edition

My husband and I have a pretty active sex life. Almost NOTHING deters us and I mean no excuse, no emotion, no argument, nada…unless there is an active tornado bearing down on the homestead or a sick child in need of us, we’re banging and it’s often twice the same night, often at wake up….and occasionally post dinner if we are creative in occupying the children. The weekends are pretty much a fuckfest. Think about that all you peeps who chat on FB with my hubs…when he says BRB and he’s gone for an hour. 😉

You know you take your marriage vows seriously when you make love through sickness and in health, yeah, even a raging fever or a gallbladder attack won’t deter the horny! That’s commitment!!

So last night, we had Thai and we love us some Thai food but on occasion it will flare up my gallbladder, not as bad as other foods can but enough to be a bit inhibiting. If you’ve never had an attack, let me tell you how they roll. They can be mild to really severe and when severe they hurt worse than hard labor and I’m fucking serious. I’d rather give birth than have a bad one. They can last from 1-2 hours all the way up to 24-48 and you’re usually a bit sore a few days after. In short, THEY FUCKING SUCK!

I learned a trick. If you drink a bit of beer before you eat, it usually prevents an attack and at worse you have a very mild one. So, drink a good beer before eating a trigger food. I had a mild one last night, a bit of belly swell and mild cramps. One thing that really helps is a belly massage. If you know how to massage someone, you can work those belly knots right out and lucky for me, I have a husband with great hands! He’s was working on some projects last night and I was sitting with my son watching a show and the hubby sends me a very erotic IM. That hit the mark but unfortunately my body was not in the mood to cooperate with my libido. I let him know that my belly was swollen, like really swollen and bit sore. He offers to rub it for me and I’m thinking…oh God yes! Belly massage. I tell him straight, just the rub, my belly is too swollen and sore for much more. He was undeterred. What followed was one of the most highly erotic belly rubs in history. Talk about a happy ending! It took him less than 5 minutes to work the kinks out of my stomach and put them in a lower region. He had me nearly begging him to take me before he was done with my massage.

We’ve been together nearly 7 years, I’m 46, he’s 43. We have 3 children, 2 of them are Autistic. He works an hour away from home, so he’s gone 50 plus hours a week. We have busy lives.  Our quality time together is very limited. We don’t let anything stand in the way of showing each other how much we need, love and desire each other.

The point of my story is this:

Never underestimate the powers of attraction and love. Don’t look for reasons to not engage in lovemaking, look for reasons to make it happen no matter what. It makes your relationship stronger and in the long run…happier!

 

Happy Hump Day!

ducklips

This sexy beast is my husband doing “ducklips” LOL

 

 

In A Sexual Slump…Change It

I hear a lot of complaints from girlfriends and other women online about being in a slump. A sex slump. Everyone has a slump and every slump is different. If you normally have a solid sex life, a slump for you could be only having sex 2 or 3 times a week. If your normal is 2 or 3 times a week, your slump could be once a week or once every 2 weeks.  My husband and I are freaks or so we’ve been told. We had a slump that lasted a few months and our slump meant sex only 5 or 6 times a week. We were both working like crazy, under tremendous stress and strain and shit happens. Our normal is around 16 times a week, often more, rarely less.

Barring a medical condition that is causing some sort of sexual dysfunction, here are some ideas to try and fix that slump.

Sex is a very important part of a marriage/relationship and you need to figure out what is a healthy amount for both of you and do all you can to achieve that level. It’s rare that both participants want the same amount, so a compromise needs to happen. Let’s say he wants it daily but that’s too much for you, you only want it 3 times a week.  He will be hanging tough getting less than half of what he feels he needs/wants. That’s not going to be healthy for your relationship. A good compromise would be 5 times a week – 2 more than your wish but 2 less than his. There are many reasons to have sex even if you aren’t feeling it in the moment. The first is that after a few minutes of foreplay, unless your pissed at him, you’ll likely be in the mood and then you’ll be glad you said fuck it. The second is sexual intimacy is a MUST for a good relationship, if one of you is feeling really deprived it will start to drive you apart.

What if you want it more than he does? That can get tricky because having sex or making love is tougher if the man is the one not in the mood, since he must rise to the occasion. Women can use products to help them along but if your man is healthy, the right mood is required for lift off. So, you need to get him in the mood. Here’s what you should NOT do, if you want to encourage your man to give it up:

  • Don’t bitch at him about anything!
  • Don’t say snotty things or rehash past fights
  • Don’t re-evaluate the state of your relationship
  • Don’t try to guilt him into it

Any one of those things will keep Mr. Happy…Mr. Limp. Try a bit of seduction. Put on something sexy and start rubbing his shoulders or scratching his back. You want to relax him so that his mind is focused on you. Once he’s starting to relax, start moving your hands from relax mode to excite mode and turn that massage into a series of caresses. Still behind him, focus your attention on his erogenous zones, start gently kissing his neck, his ears and move around to his mouth. Come forward and straddle him. Now start stroking and caressing his front while continuing the mouth assault. Use your mouth to follow the path your hands took until you’re face is resting between his legs. Move in for the blow job, just don’t get too carried away and finish him. 😉

Do what you can and just remember this: Divorces are the only relationship that is 50/50 and that happens in court, successful relationships require 100% from both of you. If you don’t give it your all, he won’t either…then what?

 

 

 

 

What Do You Do When People Try To Take Advantage Of You?

Depends on the person and the situation. Ultimately, when someone tries to take advantage of you, it’s not a good thing. The best thing you can do for yourself is extract yourself from the situation. It’s not healthy to let someone walk all over you. You deserve better than being used and abused. There are many forms of being abused, some are mild and some are vicious but most abuse is someplace in between. Doesn’t really matter, in the end it’s still abuse.

How do you know you’re being used or someone is attempting to use you? First red flag is that you start asking yourself if your being used/abused. If you’re wondering, it’s either likely occurring or it’s about to start. Second red flag, you feel bad because someone wants you to do something you’re not comfortable with and they still pressure you after expressing concerns. Third red flag, you are doing things that you know are WRONG but you can’t say no or you’re afraid to say no because you will be punished either financially, emotionally, physically or all three. Last, you say no, you put a stop to it all  and what happens? They hurt you and they continue trying to bring you to your knees until you either cut them out completely or you bend and give them what they want.

Someone who is trying to use and abuse you will not walk away from you until they bled you dry. If you’re still useful, they will keep on hurting you. You really have only one choice, one real option…do you know what it is?

WALK AWAY

DON’T LOOK BACK

CUT THEM COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR LIFE

Can you do that? Can you walk away? If it’s a lover or a spouse, it can be easy, but what if you have children? If it’s your employer, you need to find a job and then walk away…but what if the economy is in a shambles?  What if the person is FAMILY?  What do you do if it’s a family member and nobody else in your family sees what you see? Do you cut out everyone? Do you try and make the others see what is happening? Do you just suck it up and pretend things are fine?

What can you do? It’s like I said earlier in this piece, it depends on the person and the situation. What you should do and what you can do are often very different things, unfortunately. One of the biggest obstacles you will face is trying to make others see what the situation really is and even if you succeed, most people won’t agree with your solution. Here’s what you’ll hear from the sane people in your life:

  1. You’re overreacting.
  2. They’re family, you must love them.
  3. They need your help.
  4. This is how life is.
  5. He/she is your boss and that’s how bosses are!
  6. Be the better person.
  7. If you walk away, you’ll lose us all!!!
  8. I don’t see it.
  9. Are you sure that’s really happening?
  10. You need to forgive and forget.

 

It’s easier for others to tell you that you need to eat a shit sandwich because they AREN’T eating it. That’s usually the way of it. People will tell you to get over/accept things that they themselves would NOT ever find acceptable. Because of that, my advice to you is going to be to not worry or care what other people say or think. Don’t waste your time asking others. If you’re being used/abused/hurt then you do whatever you can to extract yourself from the situation.

You deserve to be happy just as much as everyone else. You should stop putting you and your needs last and do whatever you can to have a good and happy life.

Remove toxic people like you would remove all other toxins…fully and completely.

 

 

 

 

How Do You Have Sex? The ATM Edition

This question is one I’ve never had asked of me by a man before; though I’ve been asked about something similar and that will be a different blog post. Without further ado, let’s see the question:

I have another question for your blog. I am a little embarrassed, but don’t know where to talk about this. I have been seeing someone off and on for a year and he recently brought up ATM (ass to mouth). I had no clue what that even meant. I’m pretty adventurous when it comes to sex, but this is a bit over the top for me. Should I say hell no or get drunk and let loose? Everything I Googled about it is negative or porn. I know this is explicit, but he eats my ass out ALL the time, but the thought of traces of feces in my mouth sickens me.

Ass to mouth. Does everyone know exactly what that means? If you don’t, it means going from anal sex straight to a blow job without pause to clean off. Everyone on the same page? Hence her concern about getting shit in her mouth. It’s not an irrational concern in the least. There is almost no way for you to not, at best, get Dirty Sanchezed or a full on ingestion of your poop… at worst. There are millions of bacteria in the rectum and even if you wash and use enemas prior, you can’t stop your digestive track from functioning.

Some may claim that there is a way to make it safe and I suppose if you use a condom during anal, remove it and give him head with a fresh condom on or bareback that can minimize the risk but there’s no way to be 100% sure you are clean.

Rim jobs are a horse of a different color. You can make sure your asshole is clean enough for a tongue to do some tickling in that area. Being deeply penetrated by a man’s cock is not the same as a shallow dipping of a tongue.

Here’s my personal opinion on this act. It’s humiliating. I’m not sure how going from anal to a blow job increases sexual pleasure for a man and if I’m wrong, I’d like a man to PLEASE TELL ME.  It wasn’t something that happened in the “heat of passion”, it’s something you were asked upfront if you’d be willing to do. If you say yes, you will be allowing someone to degrade and humiliate you during a very intimate act. Now, if you are sexually aroused by being degraded and humiliated (and some are) then I guess you should go for it – just take as many precautions as you can to avoid becoming seriously ill.

Even the definition in the Urban Dictionary for ATM is similar to my opinion:

“One of the newer marketing ploys in pornography is called “ATM” (“ass to mouth”), where the male performer anally penetrates a woman and then sticks his penis into her mouth, often joking about her having to eat shit. In this pornography the code of debasement is most stark. There is no apparent increase in male sexual pleasure by moving directly from the anus to the mouth outside of the humiliation that the woman must endure.”

(Robert Wosnitzer et al, 2006, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography: A Content Analysis”, p. 23)

Men who enjoy the suffering and humiliation of women (=”ass to mouth”), are diagnosed with paraphilia (“sexual deviancy” in scientific terms) according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders by the American Psychiatric Association and the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems by the World Health Organization.

I’m not saying ours is the only opinion. I’m sure many will disagree. I feel that in your question, you already knew the answer and the answer will always be the same. If you feel uncomfortable doing something, then don’t do it. We need to trust our instincts more and allow people to manipulate us less.

Hope this helped.