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Facing The Past

Yesterday, while visiting my in-laws, I came face to face with my husband’s ex-fiancée to whom I was happily introduced by my MIL. The whole situation is a weird one. My MIL is buddies with this chick and despite the fact that my husband and I have been together for nearly 7 years (married 5 years this October), she’s still hoping for a reconciliation.  This is the kinda shit that sitcoms are made of and as a fan of sitcoms, I play along whenever I can.

Here’s the thing, I am not the least bit intimidated meeting or confronting ANYONE. EVER. I’m even less intimidated meeting any the women from my husband’s past. Maybe not everyone feels this way, maybe some of you don’t feel as comfortable facing the past of the person you are with but you should. These bitches are in his past for a reason. I could give a million gooey, lovey reasons why you should not be intimidated. For example: you are the NOW, his one and only, the one he chose to be with, to marry, the love of his life and so on. Those are all good reasons to not feel intimidated but they won’t work if …you are the least bit insecure, right? Insecurity will make you draw comparisons and fuel the insecurity fire. You’ll look at the list of past hopefuls and immediately determine which ones you are prettier than, which ones you are thinner than, smarter than, better boobs than, better ass than, etc…ultimately you will stumble across one or two that you come up short on…and then what? FEAR!!!! OMG! She’s prettier, sexier or whatever….he’ll want her back if he sees her. He’ll see that you are not as awesome as her!!!

In the height of your insecurity breakdown, you forgot that he is with you. He chose you, not her. There’s always going to be someone who is younger, prettier, sexier, smarter….those are not the reasons you build a relationship on. Those are the appetizers, not the main course. The main course includes things like loyalty, ability to love, companionship, common interests, kindness, affection, and a host of other things to which those superficial things are added. That makes up the whole person and not every pretty package has the important staples. Without the staples, you might, if you’re lucky, have 6 months of good to great sex and a shitty everything else. Relationships built on outward appearance alone are WORTHLESS. If you believe you are in a relationship with someone so shallow that you could lose him to someone else based on a set of “tremendous boobs”, then get out of that.  Seriously end it because you have nothing and if that’s the case…what exactly do you have to fear when facing the past of your man? Nothing! You can’t lose what you don’t have and if what you have is a great relationship – the past matters not.

This appears to be something my MIL doesn’t understand about my husband. He’s not with me for shallow reasons and he won’t dump me for them either.  If we split it will be because something either went missing or was fundamentally broken between us. It will not be for an ex who treated him like he didn’t matter, like he was nothing more than an endless supply of funding.  It doesn’t matter that she’s 9 years younger than me, more than a few pounds thinner or possibly has bigger tits (I’m a 38G, at some point, one more inch isn’t shit). She’s still a fucking cunt and that tends to overshadow the superficial shit.

Don’t be afraid of facing the past. If your present is on solid footing the past is not going to cause you any trouble and if your present is NOT on solid footing…better find out sooner rather than later when it will be much more painful. You may be wondering how that meeting went yesterday. It went fine, I said a boisterous hello and smiled like I just won the Miss Universe pageant and she was like a deer in headlights who scurried the fuck out as fast as her legs could carry her. 🙂

I say to all the women who came before me…

Namaste bitches!!

Want To Have A Great Relationship?

Stop trying to “win” arguments and simply love your spouse or significant other. In trying to win an argument, you often have to crush the person you are arguing with and in the end… you lose something even more important.

Is being right and alone better than being happy?

Think about that…

Relationship Tip #3

Relationship Tip #3: LISTEN to Understand and NOT to Respond

This seems like a really easy one to avoid but it’s one of the biggest mistakes EVERY couple make when trying to discuss a problem they are having.  It doesn’t matter whether the issue is small like the good old “toilet seat up or down” question or a big one like “you hurt my feelings when you_____”. Almost universally, we spend more time formulating our comeback or response than we do actually hearing the words and meaning of what is being told to us.

This is a really bad habit and it is a habit that needs to be broken. Why? Because it makes the person having the issue feel like what they’re saying is not important to you and that’s shitty The most ironic thing about this relationship faux pas is that the person who has this done to them, also does it back to he other person probably just as often as it happens to them.  We all HATE it when it’s done to us but as if by magic, we are completely unaware of doing the exact same annoying and dismissive thing to someone else.

As this tends to be a habitual thing, we need a way to break the habit without it turning into another fight when one person slips up. I read this idea a few months back and I think it’s high time to not only implement it into my own relationship but share it on the blog so others can too.

Pick a night, only 1 night per week, where you address issues/grievances with your partner. Here are the rules:

  • Each person has 5 minutes to air any issue they want from the past week.
  • The listener is NOT ALLOWED to address the issue, at all. Only listen and comprehend. No verbal response even during their 5 minutes to air an issue.
  • After both have expressed their issues, they then have 5 minutes in which to compliment the other person on something they loved or made them happy during the week.
  • At the end of the 20 minutes of communicating – talking/listening. Do an activity together but under no condition are you allowed to reply to the other person about their issue with you.
  • Alternate who goes first, every week. Keep track on your calendar.

This exercise is about listening and understanding, not fighting, not defending your position, not to find a way to shirk responsibility. It’s to hear how you have hurt the other person, so you can understand them better and fix it. What do you do if you don’t have any issues? Spend your time saying something that you appreciated during your 5 minutes of issues.

Don’t use your time to be vindictive, don’t use your time to sneak in ways to defend yourself. Just listen and try to do better next week.

Always remember that you love the person talking to you and you should want them to be happy. You should want to do all you can to make them happy and they should feel the same about you.

 

Excuse #1 for Being An Ass: “You Told Me to Express My Feelings”

Ann St. Vincent left this comment on my post about Bebs:

“My ex once said to be “you told me to express my feelings” after I chafed at him telling me I was a total bitch.”

I have also heard that same sentiment expressed, while being on the receiving end of a verbal onslaught of derision and anger. This reasoning is complete and utter BULLSHIT. Asking your spouse or significant other to open up and express their feelings more is to help your relationship avoid pitfalls, fighting, adultery and eventually divorce. Effective communication is a must for a relationship to succeed.  You need to create a place where both of you feel safe to be honest, in an effort to improve your marriage. Honest and mean ARE NOT THE SAME.

Using your spouse’s request to express your feelings is NOT permission to hurt, harm or maim them emotionally. Telling them that they asked for it is simply an attempt to justify bad behavior. It’s childish and selfish and not conducive to anything but inflicting pain on someone you claim to love and attempting to do it with impunity.

You don’t get to hurt someone with impunity, there is always a cost. It may be a small cost or it may be a large one, but deliberately causing someone pain always comes back to you.

If you want a successful marriage or relationship follow these steps…

The Big Girl’s Guide’s 10 steps to have a happy marriage:

1. No matter how angry/hurt you feel, never retaliate. It creates a cycle and cycles are hard to break. Rather than that, take time to think and address your hurt later, in a calm fashion.

2. Treat your spouse like fine china. You wouldn’t be careless with your best plates, you shouldn’t be careless with something even more precious. People break too.

3. Never do ANYTHING with expectation of a specific outcome. Mind reading isn’t a skill born from love.

4. Be truly forgiving of each other.

5. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Bullshit. Love means saying your sorry, meaning your sorry and acting sorry over and over until the person you hurt believes you.

6. Never stop dating and wooing your spouse. Don’t be complacent, always show your love.

7. Love is the foundation of marriage. Any problem you have has one cause (lack of love) and one solution.. More love. Give your spouse MORE love, more intimacy, more ability to connect emotionally.

8. Sex. Yes, please and often! Don’t wait for bedtime. Send a sexy text, flirt with your spouse, use every interaction as an opportunity to let them know you want them.

9. Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gifts from the heart. Easy ways to show the person you love that you love them.

10. Always put your spouse’s needs above your own, they will eventually do the same…

 

 

The BEBs or Big Ego Bitches

We’ve all met these assholes. Gawd, they’re a fucking pain in the ass. These bitches make you fantasize about violence, which is annoying because I’d much rather fantasize about eating a never-ending Chocolate Nutella Torte without gaining a single pound. Am I right?

Hello Lover:
nutella

But I can’t do that because I have some stupid bitch and her ego to deal with and so do you! These fucking Bebs ruin shit for the rest of us. They normally go after good guys, play all sort of mind games, ruin them and leave them for a bigger and more financially solvent catch. These women are often personality disordered, though, they are just as often just annoyingly stuck up and entitled. Don’t get it twisted there are some Big Girls who have big overinflated egos too.

What’s the difference between being self confident and being a Beb? Self confidence means you have a good yet realistic opinion of yourself. You believe you have worth and value. A Beb is given to talking about herself. She’s vain, boastful, and opinionated. She says shit like: I’m not mean, I’m honest or I’m a maneater. She is indifferent to the well-being of others. Basically, she’s a selfish little bitch and when you meet her the desire to slap the shit out of her is nearly uncontrollable.

Now we have a population laced with men damaged by these Bebs and women with low self esteem damaged by unrealistic societal standards, trying to find men and women who they think will save them from a pit of despair. Women want a perfect Prince Charming and men want a Cinderella with porn star blow job skills. And me, I just want to have my Chocolate torte, a sturdy fork and my naked, sexy husband fucking me so hard I burn off every single calorie before we leave the kitchen.

 

 

Who do you think is gonna have the best chance at success? I’ll give you a hint…it’s me! Why? Because I learned a long time ago that Fairy Tales aren’t real and so I know I can’t eat a never-ending torte and not gain weight unless I burn off an equal number of calories. Enter this man: Hot, sexy, bearded with tattoos and lots of muscles. He’ll give me the workout I need to enjoy an afternoon of indulgence.

ducklips

None of us are perfect, what we should be seeking is not some Fairy Tale Prince or Princess but an imperfect human that has qualities and values similar to us. An imperfect but perfect for you- human being, that’s your goal. It’s not going to be easy because we all have our own baggage wain loaded full of damage from our pasts but it can be done.

A Few Universal Rules for Love

Don’t try to change the person you love, accept them as they are and help them, if they ask you, to better themselves because they want to not because you require it.

Drop the magical thinking. Marriage/relationship will not make someone suddenly suitable. If they have personality flaws you don’t like, accept them as they are or drop them. You can’t “change them”.

The first 6 months of every relationship is a “honeymoon”. This is NOT the whole person, this is as good as it gets and it likely won’t stay this good – all the time.  We all put our best faces on and our best feet forward, in the beginning. The real person? You’ll meet them by end of your first year together. Don’t rush the wedding….

😉

 

 

 

How Do You Deal With Broken Promises?

I got 5 emails asking me this question in a variety of different ways, different scenarios but ultimately it’s the same…what do you do when the person you love breaks their promises? One lady even went so far as to say constantly breaks promises. So, I’m going to discuss a broken promise and many broken promises because your actions will be and should be different.

Let’s start with a broken promise. Someone you love gave you their word that they would do something and they didn’t keep their word. This is not like a marital vow or anything, this is a promise to do something/change something/some kind of something. What do you do?

  • Don’t assume they deliberately broke their word
  • Ask them about it, in a non-confrontational way. No accusations.
  • If they say they forgot, believe them, especially if it’s the first time and they have a penis. (men forget shit)
  • Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill, if they forgot, show some grace and move on.

What if they didn’t forget? What if they just didn’t give a shit about the promise they made? Like seriously, fuck you! I don’t owe you anything. Who are you to make demands on me? Yada, yada, yada

  1. DUMP THAT MOTHERFUCKER NOW!

That selfish asshole won’t change and why are you staying with someone who would treat you with such disrespect? Seriously? Are you married to that ass? If someone you married treats promises to you like nothing…then you may want to have a look at your entire marriage? How is everything else? If he treats you with disrespect in the small things, the bigger things won’t suddenly be treated like fine china. This is the road to nowhere and if you are married to someone like this – get some counseling or get a good lawyer. No joke, he’ll be cheating on you eventually.

Multiple Broken Promises

Really? You’re asking me what you should do when someone you love breaks promise after promise like a serial promise maker and breaker?

First, don’t marry him. Second, don’t trust him – not even to feed your Goldfish. Fuck him till you’re bored, then end it. It won’t get better. If you put up with being disrespected, then you will continue to be disrespected. He has no incentive to change when you accept that kind of treatment.

For the record, he could be the greatest guy on the planet with a shit memory or a condition that causes him to have a shit memory. If that is the case, treat this like you would any other time he simply forgot. Forgetting, legitimately forgetting, is not the same thing as deliberately breaking a promise. Keep that in mind. Forgive and move on.

If you do marry a man that constantly breaks his promises, then don’t complain about it. You knew going in exactly who he was, you accepted it. Live with it. Marriage is not some magic fairy that suddenly transforms a person into someone else. If the person has qualities you didn’t like when you dated, he’ll have them as your husband and they’ll likely get a bit worse. Deal with it.

Does that sound a bit harsh? Sorry, really I am but I see women and not just BBWs but pretty much all women at some point in their lives believing this fairytale bullshit. I spend a lot of time talking about low self esteem but the over-esteemed should be addressed and will likely be another post. In a nut shell, we are all human and therefore NOT perfect. Prince Charming does not exist but then again neither does Cinderella. What you should be looking for is not someone who is perfect but someone who is perfect FOR YOU. Someone who loves you, respects you, accepts responsibility for mistakes and actively tries to do better. YOU NEED TO BE THAT PERSON TOO. It’s a two-way street. You both give and you both take. If only one of you is a giving and the other is taking…someone is being used. End it. [This advice is for men as well. Don’t allow yourself to be used. For Men – go back a re-read the piece and flip Men for Women and follow my advice.]

Tough love time is over. I’ll be back in a bit with more so …

Stay Tuned!

 

 

 

Adventures in Big Girl Sex…Married Edition

My husband and I have a pretty active sex life. Almost NOTHING deters us and I mean no excuse, no emotion, no argument, nada…unless there is an active tornado bearing down on the homestead or a sick child in need of us, we’re banging and it’s often twice the same night, often at wake up….and occasionally post dinner if we are creative in occupying the children. The weekends are pretty much a fuckfest. Think about that all you peeps who chat on FB with my hubs…when he says BRB and he’s gone for an hour. 😉

You know you take your marriage vows seriously when you make love through sickness and in health, yeah, even a raging fever or a gallbladder attack won’t deter the horny! That’s commitment!!

So last night, we had Thai and we love us some Thai food but on occasion it will flare up my gallbladder, not as bad as other foods can but enough to be a bit inhibiting. If you’ve never had an attack, let me tell you how they roll. They can be mild to really severe and when severe they hurt worse than hard labor and I’m fucking serious. I’d rather give birth than have a bad one. They can last from 1-2 hours all the way up to 24-48 and you’re usually a bit sore a few days after. In short, THEY FUCKING SUCK!

I learned a trick. If you drink a bit of beer before you eat, it usually prevents an attack and at worse you have a very mild one. So, drink a good beer before eating a trigger food. I had a mild one last night, a bit of belly swell and mild cramps. One thing that really helps is a belly massage. If you know how to massage someone, you can work those belly knots right out and lucky for me, I have a husband with great hands! He’s was working on some projects last night and I was sitting with my son watching a show and the hubby sends me a very erotic IM. That hit the mark but unfortunately my body was not in the mood to cooperate with my libido. I let him know that my belly was swollen, like really swollen and bit sore. He offers to rub it for me and I’m thinking…oh God yes! Belly massage. I tell him straight, just the rub, my belly is too swollen and sore for much more. He was undeterred. What followed was one of the most highly erotic belly rubs in history. Talk about a happy ending! It took him less than 5 minutes to work the kinks out of my stomach and put them in a lower region. He had me nearly begging him to take me before he was done with my massage.

We’ve been together nearly 7 years, I’m 46, he’s 43. We have 3 children, 2 of them are Autistic. He works an hour away from home, so he’s gone 50 plus hours a week. We have busy lives.  Our quality time together is very limited. We don’t let anything stand in the way of showing each other how much we need, love and desire each other.

The point of my story is this:

Never underestimate the powers of attraction and love. Don’t look for reasons to not engage in lovemaking, look for reasons to make it happen no matter what. It makes your relationship stronger and in the long run…happier!

 

Happy Hump Day!

ducklips

This sexy beast is my husband doing “ducklips” LOL

 

 

In A Sexual Slump…Change It

I hear a lot of complaints from girlfriends and other women online about being in a slump. A sex slump. Everyone has a slump and every slump is different. If you normally have a solid sex life, a slump for you could be only having sex 2 or 3 times a week. If your normal is 2 or 3 times a week, your slump could be once a week or once every 2 weeks.  My husband and I are freaks or so we’ve been told. We had a slump that lasted a few months and our slump meant sex only 5 or 6 times a week. We were both working like crazy, under tremendous stress and strain and shit happens. Our normal is around 16 times a week, often more, rarely less.

Barring a medical condition that is causing some sort of sexual dysfunction, here are some ideas to try and fix that slump.

Sex is a very important part of a marriage/relationship and you need to figure out what is a healthy amount for both of you and do all you can to achieve that level. It’s rare that both participants want the same amount, so a compromise needs to happen. Let’s say he wants it daily but that’s too much for you, you only want it 3 times a week.  He will be hanging tough getting less than half of what he feels he needs/wants. That’s not going to be healthy for your relationship. A good compromise would be 5 times a week – 2 more than your wish but 2 less than his. There are many reasons to have sex even if you aren’t feeling it in the moment. The first is that after a few minutes of foreplay, unless your pissed at him, you’ll likely be in the mood and then you’ll be glad you said fuck it. The second is sexual intimacy is a MUST for a good relationship, if one of you is feeling really deprived it will start to drive you apart.

What if you want it more than he does? That can get tricky because having sex or making love is tougher if the man is the one not in the mood, since he must rise to the occasion. Women can use products to help them along but if your man is healthy, the right mood is required for lift off. So, you need to get him in the mood. Here’s what you should NOT do, if you want to encourage your man to give it up:

  • Don’t bitch at him about anything!
  • Don’t say snotty things or rehash past fights
  • Don’t re-evaluate the state of your relationship
  • Don’t try to guilt him into it

Any one of those things will keep Mr. Happy…Mr. Limp. Try a bit of seduction. Put on something sexy and start rubbing his shoulders or scratching his back. You want to relax him so that his mind is focused on you. Once he’s starting to relax, start moving your hands from relax mode to excite mode and turn that massage into a series of caresses. Still behind him, focus your attention on his erogenous zones, start gently kissing his neck, his ears and move around to his mouth. Come forward and straddle him. Now start stroking and caressing his front while continuing the mouth assault. Use your mouth to follow the path your hands took until you’re face is resting between his legs. Move in for the blow job, just don’t get too carried away and finish him. 😉

Do what you can and just remember this: Divorces are the only relationship that is 50/50 and that happens in court, successful relationships require 100% from both of you. If you don’t give it your all, he won’t either…then what?

 

 

 

 

Don’t Get Stuck On An Adjective…

You are more than just your outward appearance, more than just a physical description of your outer shell and that is all an adjective is…

My blog is written for Big Girls because that is what I am and have always been but most of what I say can be useful to anyone. No matter what you look like on the outside, be it fat, thin, chubby, medium, blond, brunette, redhead, tall, short, average…African-American, White or Latina; we all have insecurities to tackle and that is the driving force behind every post on this blog. The adjectives I use are irrelevant, so don’t get hung up on them.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept WHO you are and go from there, especially if you can’t change it.

Can a Big Girl lose the weight? Absolutely. Can you change your hair color? Sure. Can you change your race? Not bloody likely and I’ll be honest, while a big girl CAN lose weight it’s nearly as hard to do that and keep it off as it is to change your ethnicity.  It’s simply much easier to change your attitude and perception and that is my ultimate goal. Love yourself for who and what you are and you will then allow others to love you too.

Yesterday, my husband wrote How to Date a Fat Admirer. In it he gave a short list of rules you should follow to be successful in the realm of love.  As I suspected, there were some readers that took exception to his use of the adjective “fat” to describe the women he was speaking too. The title was self-explanatory, he is and always has been a man who finds BBWs sexy. He’s dated all kinds of women, all shapes and sizes but at the end of the day his preference has always leaned heavily (pun intended) towards us curvy, fat chicks. It’s what he likes and he is not ashamed of it. I certainly appreciate the Hell out it, I’ll tell you that. There has been nothing more refreshing and amazing than being with a man, who, loves the one thing about you that you’ve been told your entire life has made you UNWORTHY of love.

His biggest struggle with dating and loving BBWs is that some of them have made him feel like there was something WRONG with him for being attracted to THEM! Does that sound rational? It isn’t but that’s what happens when years of self-loathing meet up with genuine attraction. It’s like the Clash of the fucking Titans. You want to be loved for who you are and when you meet someone willing to do exactly that – YOU SHAME HIM FOR IT.

I get it. You want to be loved for your mind and not just as a sex object. What makes you so fucking special and different than every other person on the planet? 😉 Human beings start off most relationships the same way – mutual attraction. Seriously, it took me nearly 10 years to realize Brad Pitt could really act…I’d never noticed that before. Sorry Brad, your hotness is distracting.

The reality is that you want to be loved ONLY for who you are on the inside because you’ve been told over and over that who you are on the outside is not worthy of being loved. So, naturally, if you meet someone, who, finds you attractive and sexy…there must be something wrong with them. There isn’t anything wrong with them, they just know what they like and they are confident in that knowledge. Don’t make them feel the same thing you’ve been made to feel your entire life…ashamed for who they are.

Love yourself, accept yourself, change what you don’t like but start with the shit on the inside because being fat is not your problem…it’s a symptom.

Self-loathing is your problem. Fix that and then you’ll know that you are worthy of love and you’ll stop driving people away. Oh and for fuck’s sake – make love with the lights on, your clothes and blankets off!!! How do you expect to achieve all FOUR types of female orgasm if your partner can’t see anything or access anything besides your damn pussy. By God, he won’t be able to eat you out properly, if he can’t see what he’s about! 😉

Think about it…

How to Date a Fat Admirer

The list all of us Big Girls have always wanted and NEEDED. My husband, an unabashed FA from way back, put a list of rules on how to successfully date FAs.

Insecurities from years of ridicule caused many of us Big Girls to make the same mistakes with men over and over.

Take this advice and go out and find love!

Trauma Central

Yesterday, my wife linked the post “How to Date a Fat Girl” by blogger Adipose Activist. In her manifesto, Adipose lists her eight ironclad rules that she believes men must abide when dating – or trying to date – fat women. While I agree with her for the most part – most men don’t know how to talk to women in general – I felt that fat women might also benefit from a few rules for dating fat admirers, aka “FAs.” It should come as no surprise that I’m a big girl lover from way back; my wife’s blog is The Big Girl’s Guide, for crying out loud! Anyway, in my dating experiences, I’ve noticed a few annoying traits that many of BBWs continue to indulge in … even when they should be long past these immature “stages” mostly associated with our teenage years and early…

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