I wrote a post a while ago answering a question about porn and if it can ruin a marriage. The reader gave me the impression that it was a problem for her because she was simply against it and THAT was what I addressed. I also stated that porn CAN be a problem and that is what I am going to discuss now, since someone else asked me to cover that topic.
To recap I don’t believe that viewing porn is a problem by itself. I believe there are many ways couples can enjoy it together, that one person can enjoy it without it being a marital problem but I also said that there are ways that porn can definitely come between couples.
Couples can definitely use pornography as a means to enhancing their foreplay by watching it together, by using it to sext each other in private chat or when distance is currently keeping couples from engaging with each other in person. There are also times when one half of the couple can’t have sex for a legit reason like illness, hospitalization or simply being too tired. Then it is perfectly acceptable for the other half to use porn as a self stimulatory vehicle. Let’s be honest, sometimes shit happens and you gotta take care of yourself.
Here is when porn becomes a problem.
When the person you are with would prefer looking at porn and masturbate rather than make love to you, porn is now a problem. There is likely another problem as well and you are going to want to evaluate your relationship to try and find out what is happening or what may have already happened. Porn can become an addiction and if that is occurring to the point that your sex life has been adversely affected, you may want to consider professional help.
If your intimacy has been compromised because you aren’t spending enough time together and you discover that your spouse is using porn as a means of stimulation so he/she can perform with you…that’s a huge problem. That’s gonna require some serious talking and the best thing for you to do is not be accusatory. You need to express your hurt and not come across angry. Anger makes people defensive and you can’t get anywhere is someone feels the need to defend themselves. They won’t HEAR you.
If your spouse has lost his desire for you and basically uses your body as a means of release from the excitement other women have inspired in him, THAT is a deal breaker. Once you become just a “replacement body” and nothing else, you need to just end your relationship. Almost any problem can be overcome if both parties want to fix it BUT once the physical aspect of your relationship dies and I mean truly dies…you don’t have a chance. You cannot rebuild a marriage if your spouse lost his desire for you. Sex isn’t love but it is an expression of love and if your spouse needs to be stimulated by someone other than you because you don’t do it for him any longer…then I would question whether or not he still loves you. Intimacy is a NECESSARY component in a good marriage and without it, all is truly lost.
Now, it is certainly possible that he still loves you and wants you but the addiction to porn has desensitized him to the point that you can’t inspire an erection in him. Can that be fixed? It’s certainly possible but like with any addiction, he’s going to have to be willing to stop. It’s not an easy road either but if he loves you, he’ll try to do whatever it takes to save the relationship. It may work, it may not work…you may have to make a very difficult choice. Stay and allow him to use your body or go and end your relationship. This is a decision you have to make together.
I am not a professional counselor and these are simply my opinions. Ultimately, you need to make the best choice for you and your family. I just know that if it were me, I couldn’t be happy for long with someone who used me in that manner and I would end the marriage.
I hope this helped.