Tag Archive | cheating

So She Cheated: Here’s Why

I need to state for the record that I have never been unfaithful to anyone – not a single boyfriend and neither my ex-husband nor my current one. That said, I was tempted to cheat in the past because of poor treatment. Though I chose not to do it, the desire to cheat is something I understand all too well. I am also the chosen confidant of many women and I know why they cheated. Using myself and my friends, I will endeavor to explain why so many women do commit adultery.

I would like to explain a few things about women. This would be pertaining to most normal women and not personality disordered women or that small minority of women that treat sex casually. Women, unlike men, need to have some sort of an emotional bond with someone to be intimate. We need to care, feel safe and believe that we are loved or will be loved before we get naked. Whereas most men simply need a hot ass or nice tits and a pulse …and they’re good to go. Exceptions are everywhere and I’m not gonna get dragged into that. Biologically men and women see sex differently and what gets us there is different.

When a man cheats, he can cheat without emotion. For many men, sex is just sex and they can still love their spouse and cheat with reckless abandon. For the most part women can’t do that. If your woman cheated on you…she’s done with you and she’s been done with you for a while.

Here are the top reasons women cheat:

1. Loss of Intimacy

When a couple gets into a routine, they have kids, they get stressed, they have money issues and start bickering. These things happen to all of us. One of the first things to go is emotional intimacy. You stop communicating, you lash out at her because your boss is a jerk, you get angry at her for every little slight whether real or perceived, you hold grudges, you don’t forgive when she apologizes for anything. These behaviors will eat you up inside until you stop caring…when you stop caring about the state of your relationship, you stop telling your wife what she means to you, you stop making her feel wanted, you treat her like an inconvenience, like a servant and she becomes easy pickings for any man who finds her attractive. And they will find her attractive and when she makes that leap into another man’s bed, she has also let him into her heart.

2. Neglect

You used to spend time together but now all you want to do is play video games, spend your free time on Facebook chatting with your friends or worse, go party with your friends leaving your wife home alone. ALONE. There really is only so much alone time any person can handle before they get lonely and bored. You won’t talk to her anymore, why bother? You’ve got the internet. She’s taking care of the kids, the house, the bills, all the duties you used to share. She tries to tell you that she’s lonely but you don’t care, you’ve gotten selfish. You lash out at her, ignore her even more and continue to put the needs of your friends whether real or in cyberspace ahead of her. You’ve told her both verbally and with body language that YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT HER or HER NEEDS. Her needs will not go away, she will simply need to do as you are doing and get them met elsewhere…and lucky for her there are plenty of men who want to show her a great time and tell her all the things you used to tell her when you cared enough about her to make her feel loved and special.

3. Abuse

Be it verbal, physical, emotional or anything else, an abusive spouse is a spouse begging to be left. If leaving isn’t possible because of threats or finances, cheating most definitely is possible and not only possible but pretty fucking likely. Keep calling her a cunt, keep pushing her around, keep telling her about all the women you’d be fucking if only you were single and I guarantee you this much – that tired cunt will be fucking your best friend or your neighbor faster than you can say “get me a beer, ya bitch!”

4. A Sexless or Perfunctory Sex Relationship

Sex is a necessary function for most of us. When the sex dries up, dwindles to the bare minimum or feels like you are just going through the motions… she’s gonna start thinking that you are cheating, that you no longer love her, that you find her undesirable and eventually the desire to go outside the marriage will be too hard to ignore. When you treat your woman like she’s not a participant in the act but merely a warm body that you are simply ejaculating into…she’s going to stop wanting to be that vessel for you.

She needs sex with emotion, she needs you to see her as more than a warm body and when you stop seeing her, she’s gonna start seeing someone behind your back.

5. Revenge

You cheated on her. You just needed something new, you still love her but you couldn’t help yourself. You needed a taste. It was only a one-night stand, or a quickie with a coworker in the parking lot. You banged some bitch on your lunch hour. You fooled your sweet little clueless wife…you really think she has no clue. You are a fucking IDIOT. She knows. She may not know who you cheated with but she knows you cheated and she is only biding her time. She will pay you back. She will fuck your shit up bad. While she’s fucking up your shit, she’s sucking your best friend’s cock. And not just him, she’s going to fuck your boss, your brother and if your Daddy is still in good shape – she’ll bang him too.

You cheat on your wife, do not be surprised if she pays you back tenfold.

So, to sum it up…cheating is WRONG. Cheating is a horrible and destructive thing to do. I do not condone it, I do not accept it and I do not think you are brave if you choose to do it. You’re an asshole who chose to do something despicable. There are many people who cheat for no reason beyond plain selfishness. There are plenty of people who are just pieces of worthless shit who do not know how to love another person and do not know how to care and be in a committed relationship.

That said, I understand why it sometimes happens. I also understand that in relationships both parties contribute to the good of it and the bad of it. In some cases as I’ve illustrated and my husband illustrated in his blog…people are driven away and make a bad situation worse by cheating. If you don’t want to be cheated on, you can try hard to avoid giving them a reason to betray you. It could still happen but if you want to be happy – treat your spouse like fine china. Because if you don’t, another man will…

In the real world, relationships are like business. Everybody is replaceable

How Do You … Go From Neglect to Connect?

This is a problem that many couples face and most times only one half of the couple finds it to be a problem. I’m not gonna say it’s gender specific because I doubt that to be the case. It’s probably a 50/50 split on which gender does the neglecting. I will say that I believe eventually all couples face this problem in one form or another…here’s the question:

 

Dear Big Girl’s Guide,

My wife is neglecting me and I don’t know what to do about it. We’ve talked about it and she promises to change and she changes for a few weeks then slides right back into the wife she was. I can’t take much more of this, it’s killing our relationship, it’s destroying the intimacy we once shared and honest to God, I’m on the verge of cheating on her. I’m the least important person in her life and our two kids are only slightly more important than I am. I have emotional needs and I don’t care if that doesn’t sound manly, I have needs and she doesn’t seem to care about them.  She spends all her time on Facebook playing games and chatting with anyone and everyone. She’s constantly distracted. We can’t talk because she’s always so focused on who might be IMing her.  I tried telling her about a medical problem I am having and during our brief encounter she looked at her phone 9 times, answered questions of someone who she values more than me and then looked at me as if I were insane because I got angry. Truly I was in the middle of telling her a really serious thing I needed her to know and she actually started sending an IM to someone else WHILE I WAS SPEAKING.  She couldn’t remember anything I said to her and when I stormed out of the room, she went right back to Facebook like nothing out of the ordinary just occurred. I can’t take it anymore. She has a lover, it’s Facebook, so why shouldn’t I have one? Please advise.

You are not alone. I Googled these stats for you. In a 2009 study, Facebook is responsible for ruining 1 out of 5 marriages. Seriously! As of 2011, nearly 1/3 of all divorce filings mention Facebook as one of the reasons for the marriage ending.

“Facebook-induced jealousy may lead to arguments concerning past partners. Also, our study found that excessive Facebook users are more likely to connect or reconnect with other Facebook users, including previous partners, which may lead to emotional and physical cheating.”

Now that the stats are out of the way, let’s talk about your issues.  Do not cheat. Cheating is the worst thing you can ever do, it’s so destructive and painful to the other person. I understand that you’re hurting and you feel like she is being unfaithful to you and she may be having an emotional affair. I don’t know. I do know this, if you feel like you need to cheat…leave her. That’s right, I said leave her. Don’t break your vows, don’t be vindictive. Just tell your wife that you want a divorce. That will either get her to listen and understand just how much damage has been done and want to fix it or she’ll agree and you will have a much more amicable split. You have children together, trust me when I say this, YOU WANT an amicable split.

Now for those of you experiencing something similar and you don’t want to be driven to cheat or end your marriage, what can you do? You have to find a way to talk to your spouse about this issue. Of course, it may be hard especially if they can’t listen to you for more than a few seconds before Facebook starts blinging and they are back to typing that oh so important response to the random person that is much more important than you are at the moment but…you need to persevere. If you can afford to replace it, I’d say to put a hammer through the laptop/desktop/Smartphone/Ipad or whatever device is momentarily disrupting your life. You NEED to make your spouse listen to you. You also need to make your issues understandable. This is not going to be easy, people get defensive and argumentative when being told that they are hurting you. They get angry, they lash out, they blame you for their mistreatment and you may not realize it but they may be partially right.

Love, life, arguments, pain…all of these things run in circles or cycles. There is no beginning and no end, they just go around and around. Most people will say I did X to you because you did Y to me. The person on the receiving end of that gets pissed because it sounds like they are being blamed for your shitty behavior.  That’s not really the case, it’s more like you are being told the reason behind the action. Unless you or they are a psychopath, there is usually a reason for hurting someone and it’s usually a response to a hurt or a perceived hurt. That does NOT excuse the person from choosing to hurt you. They had other options and they are responsible for their choices. They could have tried talking to you, they could have forgiven you and let it go or they could have hurt you differently. Communication is the best way because often we misunderstand or perceive things incorrectly and wind up hurting someone who did nothing wrong and that makes us an even bigger asshole. It happens.

So how can you go from neglect to connect?

Communication, communication, communication…

You MUST learn how to communicate your wants/needs/hurts/issues effectively. You MUST learn how to express yourself in a manner that makes the other person willing to listen. Learn their triggers and avoid them. If you don’t know them ask, “hey, I need to talk to you, I need you to hear me. How can I do that for you? What am I doing wrong?”. It could be your tone, it could be that they feel lectured to and not engaged in the exchange. Ask them what the best approach to talking to them about serious issues is. If you don’t know what you’re doing wrong, you will continue to do it.

Be patient. Breaking patterns is not easy. Allow them slip ups and be understanding when they make a mistake. If they genuinely want to improve things between you, then you need to do your part as well.  Since no relationship problem is ever just one person’s fault, you need to ask what you did to contribute to the problem and fix your shit!

I hope this helped!

 

Open Marriages…Why?

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately by loving and committed couples who have open marriages. I don’t get it, no, let me re-phrase that. I don’t understand. I’ve thought long and hard on it and while I do understand why some couples have open marriages, I don’t understand why any couple who is in love with their spouse would choose to be open.

I am not a closed-minded prude by any stretch and I’m not judging anyone’s choices but this one boggles the shit out of me. Again, I am referring to people who say they are in LOVE with their spouse. I can come up with a few scenarios that make sense as to why any couple would choose to open their marriage. The first being that one of the participants is a prolific cheater and despite that the couple wants to stay together for financial reasons or because of their children or because marriage is a commitment and they still love their spouse despite the bad choices . Then it would make sense to make things fair and allow both to have their cake and eat it too. Another reason may be that one of the participants can’t or won’t have sex and it’s not fair to deny their loving partner something as fundamentally necessary as sex.  Other than that, I’m kinda stumped.

Why would you be in a marriage with someone who can’t or won’t actually commit to you? Sex is such a deeply personal thing. For women more so than men, sex is a very emotional thing. We need to feel something besides lust to have sex or at least convince ourselves that we do. I’m sure plenty of women will say bullshit to that but I’m not saying all women. I’m saying for most women, there are always exceptions. I’m just really trying to understand why people choose this route.

If you feel like you need to sow your wild oats, then sow them before you make the commitment to marry. If you need to spice up your love life then try new things with your partner. It’s not like you can’t talk to your spouse because if you couldn’t then bringing up opening your marriage would not be on the table.  I’m really having a hard time understanding how anyone in a good and stable marriage could do this and it not negatively impact your commitment to each other.  How can it not drive a permanent wedge between you? Can you really be okay knowing that the person you love and married is fucking another person or multiple persons?

Help me out here, what am I missing?

 

 

 

How Do You Forgive A Cheater?

It’s a good question. The answer depends on the scenario and everyone has a different story. Can you forgive cheating? Sure you can but does forgiveness mean you stay together? Not necessarily. Some try and succeed, others try and fail; it depends on many variables. Was it a one time deal? Was it an affair of the heart that lasted months or even years? Was it a cyber affair?  Was it strictly an emotional affair? Every question may have the same answer for some and a different answer for others.

This is not something I feel qualified to answer for anyone because every situation is unique. This is what I will say though, marriage is a commitment and when we make vows to another person before our deity, it is a solemn promise for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. There are simply too many things a person must consider. Do you have children? How will this impact them? Is your spouse mentally ill or do they have a personality disorder? Was this a problem in your relationship that you thought would go away when you married? So, I would never callously suggest to anyone that they should walk away from that before trying all that they can to keep their promise

Now if it turns out you are married to a serial cheater and no matter what you do they keep cheating and you can’t live with it, then end it.  Some people try going the “open marriage” route because fidelity is not the most important thing in their situation. I don’t judge anyone, it’s not my place, you need to find out what will and will not work for you.

Forgiveness is something all of us are capable of giving and we should always strive to do so.  The most important aspect to forgiveness is that we stop punishing or looking to exact some form of payment for the wrongdoing. It is a PARDON.  In the case of cheating, that would be divorce or revenge cheating. Forgiveness does not mean you stop hurting or you cease talking about what happened. You have to talk about things so you can work through them.  Something you need to know and it’s not going to be easy to hear but…cheating is not really the problem in your relationship, it is a symptom.

That’s right, cheating is NOT THE PROBLEM. The problem is what lead to the cheating and if you are unwilling to look at your relationship to see what went wrong, where you may have made mistakes as well as your partner, nothing will change. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it’s your fault you got cheated on. That decision and blame lies on the cheater. I am saying that there were problems that went unaddressed and got worse and lead someone to make a bad decision (or many bad decisions) and that’s where you have some blame.

The bottom line is this, many marriages can and do survive infidelity. Is yours one of them? Only you and your partner can know that but whatever the case, I hope you do your best to think through your problems and don’t make any rash or emotional decisions that you can’t undo.

I will end this by reminding you of my 10 Steps for a happy marriage. If you aren’t doing these, maybe it’s time you start?

The Big Girl’s Guide’s 10 steps to have a happy marriage:

1. No matter how angry/hurt you feel, never retaliate. It creates a cycle and cycles are hard to break. Rather than that, take time to think and address your hurt later, in a calm fashion.

2. Treat your spouse like fine china. You wouldn’t be careless with your best plates, you shouldn’t be careless with something even more precious. People break too.

3. Never do ANYTHING with expectation of a specific outcome. Mind reading isn’t a skill born from love.

4. Be truly forgiving of each other.

5. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Bullshit. Love means saying your sorry, meaning your sorry and acting sorry over and over until the person you hurt believes you.

6. Never stop dating and wooing your spouse. Don’t be complacent, always show your love.

7. Love is the foundation of marriage. Any problem you have has one cause (lack of love) and one solution.. More love. Give your spouse MORE love, more intimacy, more ability to connect emotionally.

8. Sex. Yes, please and often! Don’t wait for bedtime. Send a sexy text, flirt with your spouse, use every interaction as an opportunity to let them know you want them.

9. Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gifts from the heart. Easy ways to show the person you love that you love them.

10. Always put your spouse’s needs above your own, they will eventually do the same…