Tag Archive | dating

Sex Mistakes Women Make: The Beginning

A while back I wrote a couple of pieces on the mistakes that men make during sex with women. Now I want to cover mistakes that women make when fucking men. What? Women make mistakes? That’s crazy talk right? I mean what could we possibly do wrong? Plenty. I’m only going to cover three of the biggiest.

Mistake #1 – Initiating sex

You don’t do it. You simply don’t initiate any action at all. You wait until he wants it and if he doesn’t want it when you do – you get upset. Unless you’re dating a psychic, he’s not a fucking mind reader. You need to be a less passive partner. Men like to know they are desired by you as much as you like knowing you’re wanted by them. Despite the bravado, which is often a front – men can be a bit insecure as well. Let them know you want to fuck their brains out and it will make sex hotter for both of you.

Now you’re thinking…great how do I do that?

Use your words, your eyes, your body and leave the mind reading for the shysters.  Tell your man you want him in his hear or text him while he’s in the room with you, show him by talking dirty and caressing him thru his pants. I send dirty stories starring me to my man to get him heated up while he’s working. Then I’d text him naked pics of myself so he’d be hot and ready to go by the time he got home from work. Plenty of times “Hi honey, I’m home” didn’t get said until after he blew a load. sexting-3_0.png

Whatever it is – the key is to DO SOMETHING. If you are at home you can show him by avoiding Mistake #2.

Mistake #2 – Hiding Your Body

Men are visual – much more than women. So the thing that you should absolutely be doing is GETTING NAKED in front of your man. Stop focusing on all your flaws real or imagined  and try really hard to remember one very important thing. The man you are hiding your body from wants to fuck your brains out. That means he’s hot for you and your body. Nothing will get a man harder than actually seeing what you are covering up. So seriously…stop doing that!!! Show him the goods. Flaunt your body. Undress slowly. You can initiate sex by simply disrobing in front of him while staring into his eyes and smiling. Fuck him with the lights on and stop telling him all the reasons you are not hot. It’s a turn off. Shut your mouth, peel off your clothes, walk over to him and kiss him. He’ll take it from there.

Mistake #3 – Experimentation Vapors

You’ve been together for a while and your honey says to you – let’s try something new. You are not under any obligation to say yes, especially if what he’s suggesting turns you off. But you don’t need to freak out and start a fight over it either. Also, suggesting something new isn’t an insult to you, so don’t take it that way. It’s actually a compliment. It means that he feels comfortable enough with you and your relationship, that he’s willing to open up about other things that turn him on. Again, you are under no obligation to try it but you definitely should consider it unless it sounds super painful or the idea completely turns you off.  Relationships are a two-way street – and if you want him to do for you, you should be willing to do for him too.

The most important thing to remember is not to make him feel bad about opening up to you.  If you do, he’ll stop opening up and your relationship will eventually fizzle.

So there you have it some of the biggest mistakes women make with men in the bedroom.

Arousal for women begins in the brain but for men it begins with the eyes… they are more visual than women. It doesn’t make them less than us, it makes them different. So our approach to satisfying a man has to be different than their approach to satisfying us.

Hopefully you all understand how to start the process and now understand that for men, sex does not start in the bedroom, it starts wherever you  initiate it. A man will fuck you up against a brick wall if you let him….so tell him that you want him to do just that !

 

The Dating Pool In Your 30’s and Beyond

We’ve all seen the memes. The girls have one for the guys and the guys have one for the girls. Just in case you haven’t seen them, take a look:

girls30s
And this one…
30's guys

I’m going to be brutally honest when I tell you that IF the dating pool hasn’t changed for you, then the pool isn’t the problem.

You are.

Terminally single people in their 30s and beyond have a problem, actually many problems, but the biggest problem is that they keep picking the same person over and over again hoping and/or expecting this one will be different. It’s not. If you burn your hand on something hot, you learn very quickly not to touch hot things. This is not the case, however, when it comes to dating. Here’s how it looks when you are a terminally single person: You choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself, you choose wrong, you burn yourself and YOU LEARN NOTHING.

The dating pool isn’t a pool of shit, YOUR dating pool is a pool of shit because you’re standing in the same fucking pool you’ve been in since your 20’s. Nothing has changed because YOU haven’t changed and despite what you think — you haven’t grown. You can’t grow if you don’t learn from your mistakes and more importantly, you can’t learn from your mistakes if you don’t think you’ve made any.

Self-reflection or self-examination is a crucial skill to learn and employ. Self-examination means scrutiny of one’s own conduct, motives, desires, etc. If you can’t honestly assess yourself, you will NEVER grow as a person and if you don’t grow – you will keep dating in loserville.

You may now be wondering, what the fuck do I do? The first thing you should do is understand that every relationship is two people…unless you are poly-amorous. When two people are in a relationship then two people are to blame when shit goes wrong – just the same as two people are to be commended when things go right. So, when your relationship ended – it ended because you both fucked up. I know you know how THEY fucked up…but how did you contribute? Because you did. You absolutely fucked up too. Maybe you’re one of those people who thinks that jealousy = love, so you said or did things to make your partner jealous. Maybe you’re a bad listener, insecure, intolerant, hyper-critical, unrealistic, unforgiving or even a complete bitch. Take a look at all of your relationships – do you see any patterns in your behavior? The pattern you find is the very thing that is keeping you in the dating shit-pool.

Work on yourself and be more open to the possibilities – who knows you may find out that the dating pool in your 30s and beyond is really…

pictures-of-the-ocean-19

Thin Privilege

I read a great piece about the subject of Thin Privilege, a thing most people don’t realize even exists but as a fat chick I can say that it does and spells it out beautifully. Read this:

Is being fat really the worst thing a person can be? Is it worse than being a liar, a cheat, a gossip mongrel, a rapist, a sadist, an asshole, a horrible person, or a complete waste of a human life?

Sadly, the answer is yes. Yes, because we live in a society that looks down upon people, simply based on the amount of space they take. Never mind their intellect, their creativity, their sense of humor, their kindness, their compassion. We live in a society where a fat person is first, and foremost, fat. That is their premier identifier. And everything else they are, everything they want to be comes afterwards.

Once I realized this, I realized the following, as well:
1.) I am more privileged than I will ever know.
2.) My thinness has gotten me interviews over other women.
3.) My thinness has gotten me the attention of men.
4.) My thinness is equated to beauty.
5.) If my career goes down the drain, my family life falls apart, I end up with no friends, and my life spirals down to a complete fail, I will still be thin. And that will count for something.
6.) All of the above disgust me to no end.
7.) Just as a fat person is primarily identified by their fatness, a thin person is primarily identified by their thinness.

These are all valid points and I agree with her. I believe we live in a world with many different types of privilege but thin privilege is one that affect ALL of us without regard to race, religion, sex or socio-economic status. We all experience it and nobody pays attention to it because society has deemed fat people as unhealthy, unattractive and unwelcome. We’re fine with that because we all hate fat people, we hate them even more than we hate smokers!

Even fat people engage in it. How many times have you, as a fat person, seen another fat person and felt BETTER when you realized you were thinner? How many times have you been pissed when you got dumped for someone fatter than you? It’s really hypocritical but we’ve all done it.

There are many thin women who wonder how in the Hell do us fat chicks get men?. And further, how in the Hell can the man you loved leave you or cheat on you with a woman not as hot as you (i.e. fatter)? You struggle to understand why and how this happens. I’ll fill you in.

Because most of you have benefited from the privileges of thinness, you’ve never had to try hard to get a man. Getting a man is easy, keeping him gets trickier.  Being thin and presumed pretty means you didn’t have to be interesting, funny or even nice. Privileged people assume the world is their oyster because it often is but not when it comes to relationships. Eventually, the shallowness of your relationship will wean and there has to be something more that you have to offer than being thin/pretty and if you don’t have anything, you’ll lose that man you didn’t even break a sweat winning. Fat girls have to try harder, work harder, be more than just fat to win a man. We have to be funny, nice, interesting, pretty helps but not all of us are and when we’re fat pretty isn’t assumed like it is when you’re thin. Basically, fat chicks have to rock their personalities and if they do…the men, even the ones who say they don’t like fat girls, start to get won over. A great personality makes people more attractive. Did you ever notice that someone that you didn’t think was that hot suddenly starts getting hotter the more you get to know and like them? Yeah…that’s how we do it. That’s how us fat chicks get men away from the thin/pretty privileged girls and that’s how we keep them. We didn’t get them because our bodies were perfect, we got them because we worked hard to get them, we work hard to keep them and we make them feel loved and appreciated. We don’t treat men like they are lucky to stand next to us, we treat them like we are lucky and proud to be with them. We make men feel like men and we swallow. Swallowing is good. 😉 We don’t have the self confidence of thin women because we know we are looked down upon. Imagine what would happen if we had the same playing field?

That’s the point of my blog. Big Girls are never gonna have an even playing field but we should at least know that men do like us. Men choose us over thin women all the time. What we should all stop doing though is hating on each other and perpetuating the privilege that already exists. There is nothing wrong with being fat, if you are happy and comfortable in your skin and there is nothing wrong with being thin or wanting to be thin. There’s also nothing special about being either fat or thin. What counts, in the end, is being happy with who and what you are and being the best you that you can be. Self confidence is the best outfit in town but if you want a relationship you have to do more and be more than a pretty picture – regardless of size.

So, the next time you get dumped by a man who is with a “fat” girl, don’t ask yourself what the fuck is wrong with him. Ask yourself what the fuck did you have to offer him besides a pretty package?

Think about that for a bit…and let me know what you think.

 

 

 

 

The BEBs or Big Ego Bitches

We’ve all met these assholes. Gawd, they’re a fucking pain in the ass. These bitches make you fantasize about violence, which is annoying because I’d much rather fantasize about eating a never-ending Chocolate Nutella Torte without gaining a single pound. Am I right?

Hello Lover:
nutella

But I can’t do that because I have some stupid bitch and her ego to deal with and so do you! These fucking Bebs ruin shit for the rest of us. They normally go after good guys, play all sort of mind games, ruin them and leave them for a bigger and more financially solvent catch. These women are often personality disordered, though, they are just as often just annoyingly stuck up and entitled. Don’t get it twisted there are some Big Girls who have big overinflated egos too.

What’s the difference between being self confident and being a Beb? Self confidence means you have a good yet realistic opinion of yourself. You believe you have worth and value. A Beb is given to talking about herself. She’s vain, boastful, and opinionated. She says shit like: I’m not mean, I’m honest or I’m a maneater. She is indifferent to the well-being of others. Basically, she’s a selfish little bitch and when you meet her the desire to slap the shit out of her is nearly uncontrollable.

Now we have a population laced with men damaged by these Bebs and women with low self esteem damaged by unrealistic societal standards, trying to find men and women who they think will save them from a pit of despair. Women want a perfect Prince Charming and men want a Cinderella with porn star blow job skills. And me, I just want to have my Chocolate torte, a sturdy fork and my naked, sexy husband fucking me so hard I burn off every single calorie before we leave the kitchen.

 

 

Who do you think is gonna have the best chance at success? I’ll give you a hint…it’s me! Why? Because I learned a long time ago that Fairy Tales aren’t real and so I know I can’t eat a never-ending torte and not gain weight unless I burn off an equal number of calories. Enter this man: Hot, sexy, bearded with tattoos and lots of muscles. He’ll give me the workout I need to enjoy an afternoon of indulgence.

ducklips

None of us are perfect, what we should be seeking is not some Fairy Tale Prince or Princess but an imperfect human that has qualities and values similar to us. An imperfect but perfect for you- human being, that’s your goal. It’s not going to be easy because we all have our own baggage wain loaded full of damage from our pasts but it can be done.

A Few Universal Rules for Love

Don’t try to change the person you love, accept them as they are and help them, if they ask you, to better themselves because they want to not because you require it.

Drop the magical thinking. Marriage/relationship will not make someone suddenly suitable. If they have personality flaws you don’t like, accept them as they are or drop them. You can’t “change them”.

The first 6 months of every relationship is a “honeymoon”. This is NOT the whole person, this is as good as it gets and it likely won’t stay this good – all the time.  We all put our best faces on and our best feet forward, in the beginning. The real person? You’ll meet them by end of your first year together. Don’t rush the wedding….

😉

 

 

 

How Do You Have Sex? The ATM Edition

This question is one I’ve never had asked of me by a man before; though I’ve been asked about something similar and that will be a different blog post. Without further ado, let’s see the question:

I have another question for your blog. I am a little embarrassed, but don’t know where to talk about this. I have been seeing someone off and on for a year and he recently brought up ATM (ass to mouth). I had no clue what that even meant. I’m pretty adventurous when it comes to sex, but this is a bit over the top for me. Should I say hell no or get drunk and let loose? Everything I Googled about it is negative or porn. I know this is explicit, but he eats my ass out ALL the time, but the thought of traces of feces in my mouth sickens me.

Ass to mouth. Does everyone know exactly what that means? If you don’t, it means going from anal sex straight to a blow job without pause to clean off. Everyone on the same page? Hence her concern about getting shit in her mouth. It’s not an irrational concern in the least. There is almost no way for you to not, at best, get Dirty Sanchezed or a full on ingestion of your poop… at worst. There are millions of bacteria in the rectum and even if you wash and use enemas prior, you can’t stop your digestive track from functioning.

Some may claim that there is a way to make it safe and I suppose if you use a condom during anal, remove it and give him head with a fresh condom on or bareback that can minimize the risk but there’s no way to be 100% sure you are clean.

Rim jobs are a horse of a different color. You can make sure your asshole is clean enough for a tongue to do some tickling in that area. Being deeply penetrated by a man’s cock is not the same as a shallow dipping of a tongue.

Here’s my personal opinion on this act. It’s humiliating. I’m not sure how going from anal to a blow job increases sexual pleasure for a man and if I’m wrong, I’d like a man to PLEASE TELL ME.  It wasn’t something that happened in the “heat of passion”, it’s something you were asked upfront if you’d be willing to do. If you say yes, you will be allowing someone to degrade and humiliate you during a very intimate act. Now, if you are sexually aroused by being degraded and humiliated (and some are) then I guess you should go for it – just take as many precautions as you can to avoid becoming seriously ill.

Even the definition in the Urban Dictionary for ATM is similar to my opinion:

“One of the newer marketing ploys in pornography is called “ATM” (“ass to mouth”), where the male performer anally penetrates a woman and then sticks his penis into her mouth, often joking about her having to eat shit. In this pornography the code of debasement is most stark. There is no apparent increase in male sexual pleasure by moving directly from the anus to the mouth outside of the humiliation that the woman must endure.”

(Robert Wosnitzer et al, 2006, “Aggression and Sexual Behavior in Best-Selling Pornography: A Content Analysis”, p. 23)

Men who enjoy the suffering and humiliation of women (=”ass to mouth”), are diagnosed with paraphilia (“sexual deviancy” in scientific terms) according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders by the American Psychiatric Association and the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems by the World Health Organization.

I’m not saying ours is the only opinion. I’m sure many will disagree. I feel that in your question, you already knew the answer and the answer will always be the same. If you feel uncomfortable doing something, then don’t do it. We need to trust our instincts more and allow people to manipulate us less.

Hope this helped.

How to Date a Fat Admirer

The list all of us Big Girls have always wanted and NEEDED. My husband, an unabashed FA from way back, put a list of rules on how to successfully date FAs.

Insecurities from years of ridicule caused many of us Big Girls to make the same mistakes with men over and over.

Take this advice and go out and find love!

Trauma Central

Yesterday, my wife linked the post “How to Date a Fat Girl” by blogger Adipose Activist. In her manifesto, Adipose lists her eight ironclad rules that she believes men must abide when dating – or trying to date – fat women. While I agree with her for the most part – most men don’t know how to talk to women in general – I felt that fat women might also benefit from a few rules for dating fat admirers, aka “FAs.” It should come as no surprise that I’m a big girl lover from way back; my wife’s blog is The Big Girl’s Guide, for crying out loud! Anyway, in my dating experiences, I’ve noticed a few annoying traits that many of BBWs continue to indulge in … even when they should be long past these immature “stages” mostly associated with our teenage years and early…

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How to Date a Fat Girl.

I like this list but I have a couple problems with it. The main problem I have is with Number 1. Being fat is not an easy thing but being a man who loves fat women can’t be much easier. They get teased, shamed and looked down upon for their desires too. When a man on a dating site uses a moniker that indicates he likes BBWs, don’t shit on him for it.

Bottom line is this – when we meet someone and start dating it is usually BECAUSE we find the outside package to our liking. We don’t know who you are on the inside and you don’t know us. Every relationship starts the same – I think you’re hot, you think I’m hot – let’s get to know each other better.

I’d prefer to know that the person interested in me – finds me sexy. I don’t want to guess and I don’t want to have to conceal my body and trick someone into seeing my appeal.

How Do You Date When You Have Children?

This is a question many of us have and is not exclusive to Big Girls. Dating is very hard when you have children. Good parents make no move or decision, no matter how minor,  without first thinking “how will this affect my kids?”.  Dating is even tougher when you have children and you have experienced abuse in your own life.

My next question came to me via Facebook:

Here’s my question / dilemma: I have been avoiding dating or getting serious with someone for quite some time. I am very paranoid of someone mistreating my children. I was mistreated by my step-mother and have witnessed many others suffer the fate of being mistreated by a parent’s significant other.

All the news stories of children being abused or killed by mom’s boyfriend adds fuel to the fire. I met a great guy a year ago, but once he told me that he used to spank his step-child my heart sank. It was something he fought about with his ex-wife. He has never spanked his child. I don’t think he is a child abuser, but there is no way I would ever feel comfortable having my children around him because of this. For the record I never let anyone meet my children on the rare occasion I do date someone. Am I being too paranoid or should I listen to my instincts about this person?

My child has special needs and it takes a very special person to understand he does not act out to simply be “bad”.

There’s a lot to cover there but I will start off by saying ALWAYS listen to your instincts. If you sense something is off, someone sent your antennae up don’t ignore it. News story after tragic news story is filled with people, who, ignored red flags.

That is not to say you should give up living while you have young children, not at all.  There are many very happy blended families living wonderful lives. The key is to not rush into anything.  Don’t bring a new person home to meet your kids for at least 6 months into the relationship. Give yourself time to know the real person. Everyone puts on their best face in the beginning of any relationship, you need time to know the real person warts and all. Once you feel you know them, perhaps after you’ve had some disagreements…that’s when you introduce them to your children. Don’t move them in right away. Your children need time to get to know them and they need time to get to know your kids. You may be in love but your kids are not and your new person does not yet love them.

While your children are young, their needs and wishes come first. If they cannot accept the person you love then you must take that as a strong indicator that this may not be the right person for all of you.  Single parents cannot date the way they did before, they are now a unit and it really is all or nothing, until the children are grown.

When you have Special Needs children, it is even MORE important that you date slowly. Your new person must learn all they can about your child’s particular needs so they can truly understand what they may be getting themselves into. Your Special Needs child will also need more time to adapt to any changes you propose to make.

You need to establish ground rules with any future person about how the children are to be treated. If you are against spanking, it must be made clear and the reasons why must be clearly outlined.  You can’t marry someone and then make it impossible for them to have a relationship with your children, by tying their hands completely when it comes to discipline. You can’t set up a scenario where your new mate is disrespected but you don’t want to put your children at risk either. Being a Step-parent is not an easy task, don’t make it harder. If you don’t feel you could ever trust another human being with the care and welfare of your children, then don’t date someone beyond casual. Don’t put yourself or someone else in a position to develop feelings for you. That would not be fair.  Be honest up front that you are not looking for a relationship, that you will never allow yourself to be in one.

There are many, many amazingly loving blended families. My children are in two. I remarried and my ex-husband remarried. Two of my sons have both a Stepmom and a Stepdad. It works for us, my boys are loved by both of their Stepparents unconditionally. Two of my three sons are Autistic and one of my Autistic sons by my ex-husband. So, I am speaking from a place of experience when I address you in terms of having Special Needs children. I was you.

When I met my husband, I had all the same fears that you have. I was very upfront when I started dating him and he asked me many questions about Autism. He took a very avid interest in learning all he could about the condition. He even told me things I hadn’t heard of in regards to Autism. My son was only 3 at the time, the diagnosis just occurred, I was newly divorced and scared about letting anyone in. I had dated and dropped 4 or 5 men without any of them having even breathed the same air as my children. When I knew it was right, I proceeded slowly and the rest is history. I’ve been with my husband nearly 7 years and we are approaching our 5th wedding anniversary this October.

It can happen, if you wish but it’s not an easy road. Just remember this, your children’s needs come before yours and if a new person in your life can’t meet that expectation, then they can’t be in your life.

Good luck!

When Your Heart Has Been Smashed…

How do you recover both your heart and your self esteem after a nasty break up? That is the question of the ages. We’ve all been there. Love is one of life’s greatest gifts but it comes with a dark side. The dark side is something we all face when the love leaves and even more tragic…the love doesn’t always leave. What can you do when the person you loved and thought you were going to spend your life with changes their mind and stops loving you?

The first thing you must realize is that it’s not a bad thing. We break up and then all we can focus on is how amazing the love was and how the person who left was the most amazing person ever. They were damn near a saint!!  We forget how shitty the relationship became, how that great person made us feel unworthy of them, ignored us, cheated on us, made us feel completely unloved and unwanted. We’re devastated, broken, unimaginably hurt. We start to think love isn’t in the cards for us, we amplify our every flaw into these gigantic billboards. We pound our firsts and think no one will ever love us!!! How could they when we are so worthless and unattractive?

Break ups, like infidelity,  can just wreck our self esteem and it seems damn near impossible to get it back. We have no choice though, we MUST get it back. In Can A Big Girl Be Sexy?  I had unanimous agreement that the outer package is not truly what makes a person attractive, it really boils down to self confidence.  Though I didn’t need people to agree with me, I’ve seen it in practice for most of my adult life. If you have self confidence, you project it, you treat yourself as you should and THAT is what makes a person sexy and appealing to others.  Now you can read that post and change “Big Girl” to pretty much anything (over40 girl, Cancer Survivor girl, short girl, super tall girl) and the post still applies, heck, it applies to men as well. Self confidence is the driving force of sex appeal and once you get yours back…you will realize that love is NEVER not in the cards for you. When there is life, there is hope and there is love. It’s really that simple.

So, what do you do when your heart has been smashed? How can you start to rebuild your self confidence? Getting laid helps and it helps a lot. Nothing boosts you up like having someone want to fuck you, especially if you don’t think you are remotely fuckable. So, you need to get back on the horse, as they say. If you don’t, you will have crippled yourself and created a permanent wound where one hadn’t existed until now. Don’t let self doubt take up a permanent residency inside your head. Fight it! Fake it if you must but push yourself into action. Stop crying and be a fighter.  Sign up for a dating sites and start going out on dates.

You must do something and I know it seems impossibly hard but once you do, you will be happy again…