You’d Be So Pretty If…

“You’d be so pretty if you lost some weight” … I can’t tell you how many times I heard that one while growing up. So I’d like to dedicate this piece to all those “helpful” souls who offer this advice to their chubby friend/sister/daughter/cousin/co-worker/whoever.

Telling us we’d “be so pretty if …” is NOT FUCKING HELPFUL! What you’re really saying is that we’re NOT pretty. You’re telling us that our worth is based only upon our weight, and we’re NOTHING unless we conform to what YOU believe is “normal.” In other words, you’re NOT helping, not one bit.

You’re NOT the first person to tell us that we’re fat. WE ALREADY KNOW! All you’re doing is killing what little self-esteem we have. If we’re foolish enough to listen to your “advice,” we’ll be allowing you to treat us like shit because we think that we deserve it. We’ll also end up fatter, lonelier, and more depressed, causing us to take stupid health risks and have risky sex in order to regain some semblance of our shredded self-esteem. News flash: being fat does NOT mean we deserve ANY of this!

I listened to this advice and it fucked my mind up something fierce. I thought of myself as something less than human, unworthy and unlovable. I blamed my weight for everything that went wrong or didn’t happen as I wished because I never thought there was any other reason. This made me close myself off from people, causing me to be unapproachable. Assuming no man would find me attractive, I used humor as a shield from their perceived rejection. This caused men to view me as aloof, and THAT was why they didn’t approach me!

As I got older, I continued to blame my unhappiness on my weight, even though it was never the problem. I put damn near every man that was interested in me in the friend zone because I did not believe they saw me as worthy. My self-loathing was boyfriend Kryptonite and I became very cavalier about men. I never gave any man more than two dates … often less. Sometimes I just randomly made out with guys at bars, took their numbers and didn’t call. I was afraid of being hurt, so I gave no one a chance, and I used them so they wouldn’t use me.

I eventually decided I should marry because I did want a family. Naturally, I chose someone who found my weight to be a problem. I’m not going to bash my ex-husband because we have two sons together and are on good terms. Really, my own belief that I was less than is what led me to choose that path. I think on some level I did this because I figured that would motivate me to finally be thin. It didn’t. You should not ever be with anyone who doesn’t think you are all that and then some; it’s a dumb thing to do. He should have chosen someone else, and I should have too.

Considering all the mistakes I made, here’s some advice that will actually help my fellow big girls: Be yourself. Love yourself. Tell yourself daily that you are awesome, beautiful, and sexy and eventually, you’ll start to believe it. It took me 40 years and plenty of tears to realize what I should have always known – that I’m beautiful, sexy and a damn good catch – and I write this with the hope that I can reach someone and help them get their self-esteem sooner rather than later.

Just remember, you’ll be so pretty if … you ignore the opinions of others and simply believe it’s true!

 

 

 

Can a Big Girl Be Sexy?

First off, we should talk about what sexy is and what it isn’t.  Things can be called sexy and none of them have anything to do with sex, a good example of this is cars.  Things can have an appeal but unless you have a fetish for those things…they are NOT actually sexy. We just broaden the term to mean appealing but sexy is more about sex and desiring sex than just appealing. A juicy hamburger appeals to me when I’m hungry, I have no interest in fucking it. So, while we refer to “things” as sexy, they really are not.

Sexy is a mindset, it’s that certain something that makes people think about and want sex.  Most of us think that sexy is the perfect body. A great body is definitely helpful but what most people don’t realize is that we all have different ideas about what that perfection actually is. Everyone assumes it’s what we see on T.V. and magazines but I’m here to tell you…that’s bullshit.

We all have certain innate things that we find attractive but that is not the whole of it.  The biggest driving force behind being sexy is not the single digit size tag from your favorite designer; it’s self confidence.

That’s right! There is simply NOTHING sexier than believing that you’re sexy. Not in an arrogant or stuck up way but just saying to yourself that you are totally hot and presenting that image to the world. Stop buying clothes that are too big to hide your body, get your hair done, do your make up, use sexy scents. Face the world looking and smelling the best you can every single day.  Don’t be ashamed of your curves, embrace your hotness. If you have a big rear end, don’t buy clothes to minimize it show it off. Big boobs? Low cut shirts and push up bras. Do you know how many people pay good money to have a bigger butt or bigger boobs? If you got it….FLAUNT IT!!!

Stop looking at your body and finding imperfections. One person’s imperfection is another person’s sexy playground…

 

How Do You Have Sex?

Starting out with a bang…literally!

First the question: “I’m not sure how to put this so I guess I’ll just be blunt. My boyfriend wants sex and I don’t feel sexy because I’m much heavier than I used to be. We’ve been dating a short time and I’m really just scared he’ll see my body and dump me. Is it okay to have sex with my nightie on and lights off? How can I hide my fat and still enjoy it? HELP!!!!!!”

The answer:

Is it okay to have sex with the lights off and your nightie on? Sure, if it’s the middle of the night and your man rolls over on you with a boner. Outside of that, I don’t recommend it. This is something all of us Big Girls go through, the inability to connect the dots and I was the same way.

Allow me to connect the dots. You say you have only been dating your boyfriend a short time, which means you were a Big Girl when he met you. He wants to bang you, which means he’s attracted to you. Unless you’re a mistress of illusion, he not only knows you’re a Big Girl but he likes that you are a thick and curvy lady. Whether or not you think you’re sexy, know this…your man does. Capisce?

Men are visual. They need and want to look at you, it adds to the excitement. So, that means lights on and nekkid! Now, if you just can’t do that and be comfortable, then try sexy lingerie.  When you see his eyes glaze over with excitement your confidence will rise faster than his manhood. Go with it and enjoy the experience. If he starts removing your lingerie, don’t stop him. Let him look, let him show you how sexy you are to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Do You…?

I am going to do a series of posts called “How Do You…?” These posts are going to be answering direct questions from Big Girls all over. So, if you want any specific question answered you can email me directly at: rosie(dot)ribner(at)gmail(dot)com or hit me up on FB or even Twitter (@QueenofAllEvil).

Nothing is taboo and all answers will be detailed. Your name will be kept confidential. The goal here is to help as many Big Girls as I can, as we all share many of the same insecurities.

 

 

 

 

Curvy is the New Sexy

Big girls didn’t used to have many options when it came to clothes. We definitely have them now.  My absolute favorite place to shop for clothes – from casual to dressy and everywhere in between is Torrid. They have great clothes that fit well as well as sexy lingerie. The only issue I have with the company is that they do not have any bras beyond DDD. Many of us big girls have some serious boobage and a Triple D ain’t gonna cut it. Luckily, there are plenty of sites online that have bigger cup sizes, good support and are still sexy. I hate an ugly bra, it makes me feel gross.

Check out Curvy N Beautiful and Hips and Curves for sexy and fun choices to keep feeling like the hot, curvy beauty you know you are…

What a Big Girl Wants…

On behalf of big girls everywhere, I’m here to tell society to “Shut the fuck up!”

 

We big girls are here to say, you’re done shaming us. We’re gonna be big, beautiful and happy. We’re not stealing your quinoa or your tiny portions of poached fish and steamed veggies. And our big boobs and big butts, our sexy round tummies and plush thighs are no threat to you … or maybe they are. Too fucking bad! The men and women who find us sexy don’t look at you, so move on and find someone else to shower with your hatred and scorn; we are done accepting it. We are living our lives knowing that we are just fine the way we are, and we have better things to do with our time than worry what YOU think about us.

 

I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere in the history of the world, people decided that being fat was the worst thing ever. Fat girls are one of the world’s only acceptable targets for shame and ridicule. Why? Because we can lose weight, society says; it’s so easy! Yeah, right! Being a big, curvy woman my entire life, I used to be told that I could be so beautiful … if only I lost the weight. I fell for that shit and tried. The self-abuse I put myself through was excruciating, and I nearly died on my quest to be thin. Somewhere along the way, I discovered that it was NOT worth it. I wasn’t happy thinner; I was miserable and my days and nights were spent agonizing over stupid numbers on a scale and size tags.

 

We big girls want what every other girl wants – to be happy, have a great job, friends, love, great clothes, fun. And I wanted to be able to look into a mirror and smile at what we see. Unfortunately, not every big girl realizes that she can have any of that, let alone all of it. We are told every day of our lives that we are less than, despite technically being “more than.” The truth is, we can have ALL these things and so much more, once we realize that we’re beautiful whether we’re a size eight or 18. Love and happiness are the most important things in life; but until we’re able to love ourselves as we are, happiness will elude us. Until we accept ourselves, we won’t believe that someone else truly loves us … and we can drive people away because of this.

 

These days, I’m proud to say I’m “fat and happy.” I am 46 years old, 5’7, and I wear a size 18. I have three sons and a very sexy husband who loves me because of (not in spite of) my big, beautiful body. I know this both from his loving words as well as his lustful actions. He can’t keep his eyes and hands off my body, nor am I able to resist his. And my fellow big girls will be happy to know that there are many more men out there just like him, men who yearn for everything from “a few extra pounds” to “pleasantly plump” and even more!

 

This blog is dedicated to my fellow big girls. It’s here to help you see your value, to accept yourselves as you are and be happy. The first step is to stop beating yourself up. Stop listening to everyone tell you that you MUST be thin. Once you accept yourself and see yourself as you truly are, then and only then will you believe that others see you that way too.

 

And they will!