Tag Archive | happy

Excuse #1 for Being An Ass: “You Told Me to Express My Feelings”

Ann St. Vincent left this comment on my post about Bebs:

“My ex once said to be “you told me to express my feelings” after I chafed at him telling me I was a total bitch.”

I have also heard that same sentiment expressed, while being on the receiving end of a verbal onslaught of derision and anger. This reasoning is complete and utter BULLSHIT. Asking your spouse or significant other to open up and express their feelings more is to help your relationship avoid pitfalls, fighting, adultery and eventually divorce. Effective communication is a must for a relationship to succeed.  You need to create a place where both of you feel safe to be honest, in an effort to improve your marriage. Honest and mean ARE NOT THE SAME.

Using your spouse’s request to express your feelings is NOT permission to hurt, harm or maim them emotionally. Telling them that they asked for it is simply an attempt to justify bad behavior. It’s childish and selfish and not conducive to anything but inflicting pain on someone you claim to love and attempting to do it with impunity.

You don’t get to hurt someone with impunity, there is always a cost. It may be a small cost or it may be a large one, but deliberately causing someone pain always comes back to you.

If you want a successful marriage or relationship follow these steps…

The Big Girl’s Guide’s 10 steps to have a happy marriage:

1. No matter how angry/hurt you feel, never retaliate. It creates a cycle and cycles are hard to break. Rather than that, take time to think and address your hurt later, in a calm fashion.

2. Treat your spouse like fine china. You wouldn’t be careless with your best plates, you shouldn’t be careless with something even more precious. People break too.

3. Never do ANYTHING with expectation of a specific outcome. Mind reading isn’t a skill born from love.

4. Be truly forgiving of each other.

5. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Bullshit. Love means saying your sorry, meaning your sorry and acting sorry over and over until the person you hurt believes you.

6. Never stop dating and wooing your spouse. Don’t be complacent, always show your love.

7. Love is the foundation of marriage. Any problem you have has one cause (lack of love) and one solution.. More love. Give your spouse MORE love, more intimacy, more ability to connect emotionally.

8. Sex. Yes, please and often! Don’t wait for bedtime. Send a sexy text, flirt with your spouse, use every interaction as an opportunity to let them know you want them.

9. Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gifts from the heart. Easy ways to show the person you love that you love them.

10. Always put your spouse’s needs above your own, they will eventually do the same…

 

 

What Do You Do When People Try To Take Advantage Of You?

Depends on the person and the situation. Ultimately, when someone tries to take advantage of you, it’s not a good thing. The best thing you can do for yourself is extract yourself from the situation. It’s not healthy to let someone walk all over you. You deserve better than being used and abused. There are many forms of being abused, some are mild and some are vicious but most abuse is someplace in between. Doesn’t really matter, in the end it’s still abuse.

How do you know you’re being used or someone is attempting to use you? First red flag is that you start asking yourself if your being used/abused. If you’re wondering, it’s either likely occurring or it’s about to start. Second red flag, you feel bad because someone wants you to do something you’re not comfortable with and they still pressure you after expressing concerns. Third red flag, you are doing things that you know are WRONG but you can’t say no or you’re afraid to say no because you will be punished either financially, emotionally, physically or all three. Last, you say no, you put a stop to it all  and what happens? They hurt you and they continue trying to bring you to your knees until you either cut them out completely or you bend and give them what they want.

Someone who is trying to use and abuse you will not walk away from you until they bled you dry. If you’re still useful, they will keep on hurting you. You really have only one choice, one real option…do you know what it is?

WALK AWAY

DON’T LOOK BACK

CUT THEM COMPLETELY OUT OF YOUR LIFE

Can you do that? Can you walk away? If it’s a lover or a spouse, it can be easy, but what if you have children? If it’s your employer, you need to find a job and then walk away…but what if the economy is in a shambles?  What if the person is FAMILY?  What do you do if it’s a family member and nobody else in your family sees what you see? Do you cut out everyone? Do you try and make the others see what is happening? Do you just suck it up and pretend things are fine?

What can you do? It’s like I said earlier in this piece, it depends on the person and the situation. What you should do and what you can do are often very different things, unfortunately. One of the biggest obstacles you will face is trying to make others see what the situation really is and even if you succeed, most people won’t agree with your solution. Here’s what you’ll hear from the sane people in your life:

  1. You’re overreacting.
  2. They’re family, you must love them.
  3. They need your help.
  4. This is how life is.
  5. He/she is your boss and that’s how bosses are!
  6. Be the better person.
  7. If you walk away, you’ll lose us all!!!
  8. I don’t see it.
  9. Are you sure that’s really happening?
  10. You need to forgive and forget.

 

It’s easier for others to tell you that you need to eat a shit sandwich because they AREN’T eating it. That’s usually the way of it. People will tell you to get over/accept things that they themselves would NOT ever find acceptable. Because of that, my advice to you is going to be to not worry or care what other people say or think. Don’t waste your time asking others. If you’re being used/abused/hurt then you do whatever you can to extract yourself from the situation.

You deserve to be happy just as much as everyone else. You should stop putting you and your needs last and do whatever you can to have a good and happy life.

Remove toxic people like you would remove all other toxins…fully and completely.