Tag Archive | marriage

The Clean Hands Doctrine of Relationships

hands3The law has a very well known doctrine that Judge’s use when determining whether or not a person is entitled to a claim, they call it the Clean Hands Doctrine. It states:

n. a rule of law that a person coming to court with a lawsuit or petition for a court order must be free from unfair conduct (have “clean hands” or not have done anything wrong) in regard to the subject matter of his/her claim. His/her activities not involved in the legal action can be abominable because they are considered irrelevant. As an affirmative defense (positive response) a defendant might claim the plaintiff (party suing him/her) has a “lack of clean hands” or “violates the clean hands doctrine” because the plaintiff has misled the defendant or has done something wrong regarding the matter under consideration. Example: A former partner sues on a claim that he was owed money on a consulting contract with the partnership when he left, but the defense states that the plaintiff (party suing) has tried to get customers from the partnership by spreading untrue stories about the remaining partner’s business practices.

This is something that I believe should apply in relationships as well. Don’t make demands on your partner with dirty hands. Don’t speak out of both sides of your mouth, this *demand* applies to you but I can do whatever I want.

Relationships are partnerships NOT dictatorships. I understand that some things require discussion as all situations are unique. My point is that if you have lines that you believe can’t be crossed then you’d better make sure you are living up to the same standards you expect from your partner…which means don’t cross THEIR LINES.

We all have what we call “Deal Breakers” in relationships. Having “clean hands” would mean that if your partner crossed your line, you’d better be damn sure YOU behaved perfectly and did not violate any of your partner’s lines before you give an ultimatum or you will lose your partner.

The law doesn’t reward dishonest people because dishonest people aren’t victims of the situation, they are equally to blame. When your hands get dirty in your relationship, you aren’t a victim either…you’re just dishonest.

So She Cheated: Here’s Why

I need to state for the record that I have never been unfaithful to anyone – not a single boyfriend and neither my ex-husband nor my current one. That said, I was tempted to cheat in the past because of poor treatment. Though I chose not to do it, the desire to cheat is something I understand all too well. I am also the chosen confidant of many women and I know why they cheated. Using myself and my friends, I will endeavor to explain why so many women do commit adultery.

I would like to explain a few things about women. This would be pertaining to most normal women and not personality disordered women or that small minority of women that treat sex casually. Women, unlike men, need to have some sort of an emotional bond with someone to be intimate. We need to care, feel safe and believe that we are loved or will be loved before we get naked. Whereas most men simply need a hot ass or nice tits and a pulse …and they’re good to go. Exceptions are everywhere and I’m not gonna get dragged into that. Biologically men and women see sex differently and what gets us there is different.

When a man cheats, he can cheat without emotion. For many men, sex is just sex and they can still love their spouse and cheat with reckless abandon. For the most part women can’t do that. If your woman cheated on you…she’s done with you and she’s been done with you for a while.

Here are the top reasons women cheat:

1. Loss of Intimacy

When a couple gets into a routine, they have kids, they get stressed, they have money issues and start bickering. These things happen to all of us. One of the first things to go is emotional intimacy. You stop communicating, you lash out at her because your boss is a jerk, you get angry at her for every little slight whether real or perceived, you hold grudges, you don’t forgive when she apologizes for anything. These behaviors will eat you up inside until you stop caring…when you stop caring about the state of your relationship, you stop telling your wife what she means to you, you stop making her feel wanted, you treat her like an inconvenience, like a servant and she becomes easy pickings for any man who finds her attractive. And they will find her attractive and when she makes that leap into another man’s bed, she has also let him into her heart.

2. Neglect

You used to spend time together but now all you want to do is play video games, spend your free time on Facebook chatting with your friends or worse, go party with your friends leaving your wife home alone. ALONE. There really is only so much alone time any person can handle before they get lonely and bored. You won’t talk to her anymore, why bother? You’ve got the internet. She’s taking care of the kids, the house, the bills, all the duties you used to share. She tries to tell you that she’s lonely but you don’t care, you’ve gotten selfish. You lash out at her, ignore her even more and continue to put the needs of your friends whether real or in cyberspace ahead of her. You’ve told her both verbally and with body language that YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT HER or HER NEEDS. Her needs will not go away, she will simply need to do as you are doing and get them met elsewhere…and lucky for her there are plenty of men who want to show her a great time and tell her all the things you used to tell her when you cared enough about her to make her feel loved and special.

3. Abuse

Be it verbal, physical, emotional or anything else, an abusive spouse is a spouse begging to be left. If leaving isn’t possible because of threats or finances, cheating most definitely is possible and not only possible but pretty fucking likely. Keep calling her a cunt, keep pushing her around, keep telling her about all the women you’d be fucking if only you were single and I guarantee you this much – that tired cunt will be fucking your best friend or your neighbor faster than you can say “get me a beer, ya bitch!”

4. A Sexless or Perfunctory Sex Relationship

Sex is a necessary function for most of us. When the sex dries up, dwindles to the bare minimum or feels like you are just going through the motions… she’s gonna start thinking that you are cheating, that you no longer love her, that you find her undesirable and eventually the desire to go outside the marriage will be too hard to ignore. When you treat your woman like she’s not a participant in the act but merely a warm body that you are simply ejaculating into…she’s going to stop wanting to be that vessel for you.

She needs sex with emotion, she needs you to see her as more than a warm body and when you stop seeing her, she’s gonna start seeing someone behind your back.

5. Revenge

You cheated on her. You just needed something new, you still love her but you couldn’t help yourself. You needed a taste. It was only a one-night stand, or a quickie with a coworker in the parking lot. You banged some bitch on your lunch hour. You fooled your sweet little clueless wife…you really think she has no clue. You are a fucking IDIOT. She knows. She may not know who you cheated with but she knows you cheated and she is only biding her time. She will pay you back. She will fuck your shit up bad. While she’s fucking up your shit, she’s sucking your best friend’s cock. And not just him, she’s going to fuck your boss, your brother and if your Daddy is still in good shape – she’ll bang him too.

You cheat on your wife, do not be surprised if she pays you back tenfold.

So, to sum it up…cheating is WRONG. Cheating is a horrible and destructive thing to do. I do not condone it, I do not accept it and I do not think you are brave if you choose to do it. You’re an asshole who chose to do something despicable. There are many people who cheat for no reason beyond plain selfishness. There are plenty of people who are just pieces of worthless shit who do not know how to love another person and do not know how to care and be in a committed relationship.

That said, I understand why it sometimes happens. I also understand that in relationships both parties contribute to the good of it and the bad of it. In some cases as I’ve illustrated and my husband illustrated in his blog…people are driven away and make a bad situation worse by cheating. If you don’t want to be cheated on, you can try hard to avoid giving them a reason to betray you. It could still happen but if you want to be happy – treat your spouse like fine china. Because if you don’t, another man will…

In the real world, relationships are like business. Everybody is replaceable

Open Marriages…Why?

I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately by loving and committed couples who have open marriages. I don’t get it, no, let me re-phrase that. I don’t understand. I’ve thought long and hard on it and while I do understand why some couples have open marriages, I don’t understand why any couple who is in love with their spouse would choose to be open.

I am not a closed-minded prude by any stretch and I’m not judging anyone’s choices but this one boggles the shit out of me. Again, I am referring to people who say they are in LOVE with their spouse. I can come up with a few scenarios that make sense as to why any couple would choose to open their marriage. The first being that one of the participants is a prolific cheater and despite that the couple wants to stay together for financial reasons or because of their children or because marriage is a commitment and they still love their spouse despite the bad choices . Then it would make sense to make things fair and allow both to have their cake and eat it too. Another reason may be that one of the participants can’t or won’t have sex and it’s not fair to deny their loving partner something as fundamentally necessary as sex.  Other than that, I’m kinda stumped.

Why would you be in a marriage with someone who can’t or won’t actually commit to you? Sex is such a deeply personal thing. For women more so than men, sex is a very emotional thing. We need to feel something besides lust to have sex or at least convince ourselves that we do. I’m sure plenty of women will say bullshit to that but I’m not saying all women. I’m saying for most women, there are always exceptions. I’m just really trying to understand why people choose this route.

If you feel like you need to sow your wild oats, then sow them before you make the commitment to marry. If you need to spice up your love life then try new things with your partner. It’s not like you can’t talk to your spouse because if you couldn’t then bringing up opening your marriage would not be on the table.  I’m really having a hard time understanding how anyone in a good and stable marriage could do this and it not negatively impact your commitment to each other.  How can it not drive a permanent wedge between you? Can you really be okay knowing that the person you love and married is fucking another person or multiple persons?

Help me out here, what am I missing?

 

 

 

Want To Have A Great Relationship?

Stop trying to “win” arguments and simply love your spouse or significant other. In trying to win an argument, you often have to crush the person you are arguing with and in the end… you lose something even more important.

Is being right and alone better than being happy?

Think about that…

Excuse #1 for Being An Ass: “You Told Me to Express My Feelings”

Ann St. Vincent left this comment on my post about Bebs:

“My ex once said to be “you told me to express my feelings” after I chafed at him telling me I was a total bitch.”

I have also heard that same sentiment expressed, while being on the receiving end of a verbal onslaught of derision and anger. This reasoning is complete and utter BULLSHIT. Asking your spouse or significant other to open up and express their feelings more is to help your relationship avoid pitfalls, fighting, adultery and eventually divorce. Effective communication is a must for a relationship to succeed.  You need to create a place where both of you feel safe to be honest, in an effort to improve your marriage. Honest and mean ARE NOT THE SAME.

Using your spouse’s request to express your feelings is NOT permission to hurt, harm or maim them emotionally. Telling them that they asked for it is simply an attempt to justify bad behavior. It’s childish and selfish and not conducive to anything but inflicting pain on someone you claim to love and attempting to do it with impunity.

You don’t get to hurt someone with impunity, there is always a cost. It may be a small cost or it may be a large one, but deliberately causing someone pain always comes back to you.

If you want a successful marriage or relationship follow these steps…

The Big Girl’s Guide’s 10 steps to have a happy marriage:

1. No matter how angry/hurt you feel, never retaliate. It creates a cycle and cycles are hard to break. Rather than that, take time to think and address your hurt later, in a calm fashion.

2. Treat your spouse like fine china. You wouldn’t be careless with your best plates, you shouldn’t be careless with something even more precious. People break too.

3. Never do ANYTHING with expectation of a specific outcome. Mind reading isn’t a skill born from love.

4. Be truly forgiving of each other.

5. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Bullshit. Love means saying your sorry, meaning your sorry and acting sorry over and over until the person you hurt believes you.

6. Never stop dating and wooing your spouse. Don’t be complacent, always show your love.

7. Love is the foundation of marriage. Any problem you have has one cause (lack of love) and one solution.. More love. Give your spouse MORE love, more intimacy, more ability to connect emotionally.

8. Sex. Yes, please and often! Don’t wait for bedtime. Send a sexy text, flirt with your spouse, use every interaction as an opportunity to let them know you want them.

9. Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gifts from the heart. Easy ways to show the person you love that you love them.

10. Always put your spouse’s needs above your own, they will eventually do the same…

 

 

Adventures in Big Girl Sex…Married Edition

My husband and I have a pretty active sex life. Almost NOTHING deters us and I mean no excuse, no emotion, no argument, nada…unless there is an active tornado bearing down on the homestead or a sick child in need of us, we’re banging and it’s often twice the same night, often at wake up….and occasionally post dinner if we are creative in occupying the children. The weekends are pretty much a fuckfest. Think about that all you peeps who chat on FB with my hubs…when he says BRB and he’s gone for an hour. 😉

You know you take your marriage vows seriously when you make love through sickness and in health, yeah, even a raging fever or a gallbladder attack won’t deter the horny! That’s commitment!!

So last night, we had Thai and we love us some Thai food but on occasion it will flare up my gallbladder, not as bad as other foods can but enough to be a bit inhibiting. If you’ve never had an attack, let me tell you how they roll. They can be mild to really severe and when severe they hurt worse than hard labor and I’m fucking serious. I’d rather give birth than have a bad one. They can last from 1-2 hours all the way up to 24-48 and you’re usually a bit sore a few days after. In short, THEY FUCKING SUCK!

I learned a trick. If you drink a bit of beer before you eat, it usually prevents an attack and at worse you have a very mild one. So, drink a good beer before eating a trigger food. I had a mild one last night, a bit of belly swell and mild cramps. One thing that really helps is a belly massage. If you know how to massage someone, you can work those belly knots right out and lucky for me, I have a husband with great hands! He’s was working on some projects last night and I was sitting with my son watching a show and the hubby sends me a very erotic IM. That hit the mark but unfortunately my body was not in the mood to cooperate with my libido. I let him know that my belly was swollen, like really swollen and bit sore. He offers to rub it for me and I’m thinking…oh God yes! Belly massage. I tell him straight, just the rub, my belly is too swollen and sore for much more. He was undeterred. What followed was one of the most highly erotic belly rubs in history. Talk about a happy ending! It took him less than 5 minutes to work the kinks out of my stomach and put them in a lower region. He had me nearly begging him to take me before he was done with my massage.

We’ve been together nearly 7 years, I’m 46, he’s 43. We have 3 children, 2 of them are Autistic. He works an hour away from home, so he’s gone 50 plus hours a week. We have busy lives.  Our quality time together is very limited. We don’t let anything stand in the way of showing each other how much we need, love and desire each other.

The point of my story is this:

Never underestimate the powers of attraction and love. Don’t look for reasons to not engage in lovemaking, look for reasons to make it happen no matter what. It makes your relationship stronger and in the long run…happier!

 

Happy Hump Day!

ducklips

This sexy beast is my husband doing “ducklips” LOL

 

 

More Reasons You Should Have Sex With Your Husband Every Night

I just read an interesting article on HuffPo, 5 Reasons You Should Have Sex With Your Husband Every Night.  I agree with most of it and I think there are many more reasons you should. I found the comments posted to be really interesting. Many women are up in arms about a 20 something giving out marriage advice and that’s mostly because they disagree with it. Which is really stupid, in my opinion. What exactly is wrong with the idea of sex nightly with your husband? Why did you marry someone or stay married to someone you don’t want to make love to?

I know people will say life gets in the way, I’m tired, I don’t feel sexy, and etc. Funny thing is that if you were banging your man every night you’d feel sexy, you’d be less tired and you’d find that life is better rather than just “getting in the way”.

It’s not magic, sex is a necessary function of life even when you are older, into menopause or after. It creates and strengthens emotional intimacy and emotional intimacy is a NEEDED component of marriage.  You know what happens to a marriage lacking sex? Cheating, abandonment, anger, apathy, unhappiness, exhaustion and eventually divorce.

What happens to your marriage when you do have sex often or even (SHOCK) nightly? Well, read this article from WebMD: 10 Surprising Health Benefits of Sex.

  1. Helps Keep Your Immune System Humming
  2. Boosts Your Libido
  3. Improves Women’s Bladder Control
  4. Lowers Your Blood Pressure
  5. Counts as Exercise
  6. Lowers Heart Attack Risk
  7. Lessens Pain
  8. May Make Prostate Cancer Less Likely
  9. Eases Stress
  10. Improves Sleep

That’s just the health aspects and I’ve already given a few things that lack of sex could do to negatively impact your marriage. The most important thing is that regular sex will make you closer with your partner. It will create a desire to spend quality time together, to nurture the bonds that life (jobs, stress, money, children) can tear apart.

A lot of the comments focused on making him earn sex, prove love and then maybe the sex fairy would magically bestow the golden vagina with a key that would allow her to part her legs and graciously allow the husband to enter. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN???

WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM???? Seriously, why? Money? Power? Status? Because talk like that strongly suggests it was not love and if it was love, like you really did love this man – what is so difficult about showing HIM that you love HIM??? Do you not feel attracted anymore? Do you not love him? Maybe you should reconsider staying together.

If you are not sleeping in the same bed with him and showing him that you love him regularly, do you know what is going to happen? One day, he will wake up and realize that he is not happy and that he’s not getting any younger and he will LEAVE you. We all deserve to be happy and we all deserve to be loved. Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, divorce is.

Marriage should be 100/100 – give it all you have or you will be dividing all you have between you, in court.

 

 

How Do You Forgive A Cheater?

It’s a good question. The answer depends on the scenario and everyone has a different story. Can you forgive cheating? Sure you can but does forgiveness mean you stay together? Not necessarily. Some try and succeed, others try and fail; it depends on many variables. Was it a one time deal? Was it an affair of the heart that lasted months or even years? Was it a cyber affair?  Was it strictly an emotional affair? Every question may have the same answer for some and a different answer for others.

This is not something I feel qualified to answer for anyone because every situation is unique. This is what I will say though, marriage is a commitment and when we make vows to another person before our deity, it is a solemn promise for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. There are simply too many things a person must consider. Do you have children? How will this impact them? Is your spouse mentally ill or do they have a personality disorder? Was this a problem in your relationship that you thought would go away when you married? So, I would never callously suggest to anyone that they should walk away from that before trying all that they can to keep their promise

Now if it turns out you are married to a serial cheater and no matter what you do they keep cheating and you can’t live with it, then end it.  Some people try going the “open marriage” route because fidelity is not the most important thing in their situation. I don’t judge anyone, it’s not my place, you need to find out what will and will not work for you.

Forgiveness is something all of us are capable of giving and we should always strive to do so.  The most important aspect to forgiveness is that we stop punishing or looking to exact some form of payment for the wrongdoing. It is a PARDON.  In the case of cheating, that would be divorce or revenge cheating. Forgiveness does not mean you stop hurting or you cease talking about what happened. You have to talk about things so you can work through them.  Something you need to know and it’s not going to be easy to hear but…cheating is not really the problem in your relationship, it is a symptom.

That’s right, cheating is NOT THE PROBLEM. The problem is what lead to the cheating and if you are unwilling to look at your relationship to see what went wrong, where you may have made mistakes as well as your partner, nothing will change. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it’s your fault you got cheated on. That decision and blame lies on the cheater. I am saying that there were problems that went unaddressed and got worse and lead someone to make a bad decision (or many bad decisions) and that’s where you have some blame.

The bottom line is this, many marriages can and do survive infidelity. Is yours one of them? Only you and your partner can know that but whatever the case, I hope you do your best to think through your problems and don’t make any rash or emotional decisions that you can’t undo.

I will end this by reminding you of my 10 Steps for a happy marriage. If you aren’t doing these, maybe it’s time you start?

The Big Girl’s Guide’s 10 steps to have a happy marriage:

1. No matter how angry/hurt you feel, never retaliate. It creates a cycle and cycles are hard to break. Rather than that, take time to think and address your hurt later, in a calm fashion.

2. Treat your spouse like fine china. You wouldn’t be careless with your best plates, you shouldn’t be careless with something even more precious. People break too.

3. Never do ANYTHING with expectation of a specific outcome. Mind reading isn’t a skill born from love.

4. Be truly forgiving of each other.

5. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Bullshit. Love means saying your sorry, meaning your sorry and acting sorry over and over until the person you hurt believes you.

6. Never stop dating and wooing your spouse. Don’t be complacent, always show your love.

7. Love is the foundation of marriage. Any problem you have has one cause (lack of love) and one solution.. More love. Give your spouse MORE love, more intimacy, more ability to connect emotionally.

8. Sex. Yes, please and often! Don’t wait for bedtime. Send a sexy text, flirt with your spouse, use every interaction as an opportunity to let them know you want them.

9. Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gifts from the heart. Easy ways to show the person you love that you love them.

10. Always put your spouse’s needs above your own, they will eventually do the same…

 

 

 

How Do You Make Him Give Up Porn?

Queenofallevil,

My husband has a porn addiction and it’s ruining our marriage.He watches it all the time and he’s always looking at porn sites. I hate it. I don’t want to make love with him because I know it’s not me who is exciting him. He says he enjoys it but it is not the porn that makes him horny, it’s me. I don’t believe him. He’s always been into it but once we married, he should have stopped.  It’s like cheating! Help me, please. I need him to understand. How can I make him stop?

I’ll be really honest with you, it’s not porn that’s ruining your marriage, but you might be. You have a problem with porn, obviously. He watched it BEFORE you married him and you still married him? You say marriage should have made him stop, but did you make it a condition of marriage? If yes, and he agreed, then you have a problem. BUT, if you didn’t, and I kinda doubt that you did, then the problem rests with you. Marriage is not some magic balm that changes a person into the perfect specimen because you decree it.

Porn is NOT cheating. There are probably a million people wishing their ex watched porn rather than banged someone outside the marriage.  Porn is looking at naked people or watching sexual acts. Cheating is engaging in the behavior. I can watch firefighters put out a fire, that does not make me a fireman. It makes me an observer.

Put on your big girl pants and ask yourself what is really the problem with the porn? I think it’s more about you being insecure than anything else. Insecurity unchecked will destroy your relationship … eventually. You asked him and he told you that you turn him on. Believe him. I’ll tell you what it likely is. He probably has a fantasy or a fetish that he is not comfortable sharing with you and maybe he gets that fix from what he’s watching. We all have something, and we are scared someone will think we’re weird or a sicko, so we keep it buried.  I have one and after being with my husband almost 7 years, he does not know it. I have not had the courage to confess it, I’ve come close but alas … no cigar. Heck he told me one of his only recently!!!

Why not try this: instead of giving yourself the vapors, ask him to watch his porn with you.  He will either be elated that you want to try that with him or he’ll be compelled to tell you what he’s been hiding. Whatever the case, remember that you love this man and chose to be his wife. Don’t judge him, love him.

Now to be 100% totally fair, I will say that there can be a problem with porn viewing. Is porn replacing YOU? Is he watching porn rather than choosing to be with you? Has your sex life slumped but his viewing of porn increased? Do you feel as if you’ve been replaced sexually by porn and/or his online activity? If any of these are what’s happening, it’s a problem. I didn’t get the impression from your email that any of these situations were the case.

If they are, please, email me back, rosie[dot]ribner[at]gmail[dot]com – I will write another post to cover those question because that answer is VERY different than the one I gave here.

 

How Do You Rekindle Romance

Reader questions losing her sex life because of her weight but is that really the problem?

 

My husband is losing interest in me because I’ve gained weight. I was big when we dated, a size 20, but I hid it well. We used to have sex pretty regularly 3 times a week but now I’m lucky if he rubs up against me in bed. He says my weight is fine but if that’s true where is the proof? I’m going crazy, I’m afraid he’s gonna cheat on me soon. All he does is play Xbox all night every night until I give up on him and go to bed alone. I feel like he’s avoiding me and he won’t really talk about what the problem is. I love him and the rest of our marriage is great except this.  What can I do?

Thanks,

Size 22 and desperate!!!!

 

Dear Size 22,

I don’t want to sound like an asshole but how can the rest of your marriage be great, if he won’t talk about it and he actively avoids spending time with you???

The loss of intimacy is more than just avoiding sex, it’s avoiding the relationship and what made it great.  There is something bigger happening here than your weight, which is likely NOT the problem. We big girls always tend to blame our weight because we are so obsessed with seeing it as a flaw.

Let me start by busting a myth, so you can refocus on figuring out what the problem actually is.  It’s NOT your weight. If you were a size 20 when he met you, fell in love and married you. Your weight was not a problem for him no matter how much you think you “hid” it.  In all honesty, your hiding it could be part of the problem. Don’t be shocked, I’m serious. Men are visual and he’s clearly attracted or he wouldn’t have chosen you. Hiding what he wants, your body, could be putting a damper on his desire. He wants to look at you, let him. If you were a size 4 or in the range of society designated “normal” and then gained weight to hit a 22, then MAYBE just maybe then your weight could be an issue. But you were curvy to start and you’ve gained 1 size (10-12lbs). Not likely an issue for him.

Say this to yourself 10 times…loud: IT’S NOT MY WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!

Now what the fuck is it? Why has he pulled away from you? Why are you losing the intimacy you had and need for a successful relationship? I don’t know. Here’s what I do know:

1. I do know that it’s not your weight
2. I do know that your husband is actively avoiding spending time with you

Based on those two statements, I can say that the rest of your marriage is, at the moment, not so great. That doesn’t mean it can’t be again. Once you shift your focus from the internalized fat shaming and refocus on repairing what went wrong, your marriage could be great again. Here is a good start on working towards repairing your marriage.  You need to have a conversation and it needs to be non-accusatory. You need to express your needs. This is not about sex, it is about intimacy, the sex is waning because the intimacy is fading. Fix the intimacy and the sex will come…

Follow these 10 steps to have a happy marriage:

1. No matter how angry/hurt you feel, never retaliate. It creates a cycle and cycles are hard to break. Rather than that, take time to think and address your hurt later, in a calm fashion.


2. Treat your spouse like fine china. You wouldn’t be careless with your best plates, you shouldn’t be careless with something even more precious. People break too.


3. Never do ANYTHING with expectation of a specific outcome. Mind reading isn’t a skill born from love.

4. Be truly forgiving of each other.

5. “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. Bullshit. Love means saying your sorry, meaning your sorry and acting sorry over and over until the person you hurt believes you.

6. Never stop dating and wooing your spouse. Don’t be complacent, always show your love.

7. Love is the foundation of marriage. Any problem you have has one cause (lack of love) and one solution.. More love. Give your spouse MORE love, more intimacy, more ability to connect emotionally.

8. Sex. Yes, please and often! Don’t wait for bedtime. Send a sexy text, flirt with your spouse, use every interaction as an opportunity to let them know you want them.

9. Quality time. Acts of service. Words of affirmation. Gifts from the heart. Easy ways to show the person you love that you love them.

10. Always put your spouse’s needs above your own, they will eventually do the same…

In your case, focus on #8…I realize you said sex isn’t happening but is the flirting? Does he know you want him? Are you being sexy and trying to entice him? Start with THAT. Good luck and as always, let me know if  this helps. Also, if you have any other questions or find out other information – message me or leave a comment and we can try to come up with other approaches.