Tag Archive | self esteem

What Do You Do When Someone Insults You?

There is no worse feeling in the world than having someone you care about take a very personal shot at you. Words hurt, that’s just a simple fact. If someone chooses to hurt you, it says plenty more about them than it does you. You may want to look at why you want someone in your life so willing to inflict pain. On the other hand, meaningless people try hard to hurt with words too but you can and should let those insults bounce off you and move on. People, no matter who they are, that need to insult you on such a deeply personal level do so because their self esteem is in the toilet. They see you and are SEETHING with envy and jealousy.

I had a fairly recent experience with a woman in her mid to late 30’s taking a shot at my age and my looks. I’ve actually never had any issues with my age nor my looks. I didn’t freak when I turned 30, I had a great 40th and as I tick down the next 3.5 years to 50…I feel absolutely fucking AWESOME about who I am, how I look and where I am in my life.  I’m sexy, fat, beautiful and loved.  I don’t need to tear anyone down and at this point in my life nobody can tear me down either. I also don’t need to take pictures at weird angles to hide my true self. I look at the camera dead on – that’s me in every picture I use as a background. I’m good with me. 😉

Don’t allow bitter and jealous people to tear you down. Recognize them for who and what they are – unhappy, insecure and unable to have a real connection with another person.  In short, miserable. Ignore the haters, don’t respond, don’t let it get into your head. Walk away or look at them and laugh. Seriously. I had some crazed woman call me fat and tell me that I should eat more salad and less cheeseburgers.  My response was simply:  “Bitch, I’m fine being fat and I fucking LOVE cheeseburgers. I’m good”.

As long as you are good with you, that is really all that matters.

Low Self Esteem = Target

One of the biggest problem we Big Girls have is low self esteem and it’s worse when you’ve been big your entire life. If you started life as a chubby girl, you’ve heard more times than you can count how pretty you could be…if ONLY you lost the weight.  What a complete mind fuck that is and lots of well meaning people don’t realize how that message will be internalized.

This is what we hear: YOU ARE NOT PRETTY

Years and years of that gets reinforced and suddenly you are an adult BBW woman with zero self worth. That’s a set up to be fucked over and over and over again by any and all romantic partners. Why? Because your internal dialogue is that your weight makes you worthless, so you don’t think anything of it when your boyfriend or husband says it to you. It’s your truth, you accept it and subsequently you accept the shittiest treatment because you don’t know any better.

You are now the perfect TARGET for any and all predators, narcissists, sociopaths and psychos. Yep, you are fucking PERFECT for being used and abused.

The things Big Girls with self esteem issues will put up with is staggering. I know that low self esteem is not limited to Big Girls but since I am one, I am speaking about it from my perspective. I am certain it applies to many body types and both sexes.

You meet someone amazing, they treat you like a princess and you are in love! This is the greatest thing that ever happened to you…for now. Then suddenly and out of the blue, they tell you about their ex who was the hottest thing ever, thin and beautiful and the most amazing sex. All you hear is THIN AND BEAUTIFUL. You’re not thin and you know that you’re not beautiful because EVERYONE you’ve ever know has told you that you could be pretty IF you lost weight. So this amazing guy that you’re sure you’re in love with just told the same thing you’ve always known…you are not worthy of him. He starts mentioning others and the conversation is always the same…you are not good enough.  Then he’s back to puffing you up but in the back of your mind is the message…I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I’M FAT, I’M NOT PRETTY, I’LL NEVER MEASURE UP.

Now he’s ignoring you, putting you and your needs at the bottom of his important list of what he needs. You are killing yourself to get his attention but to no avail….YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  You let him demean you, degrade you, threaten you, use you like garbage. You’ll do things for him that you never thought you would for anyone…it’s not enough.  Now he’s just being mean, you finally get angry and you are now the bad person who is driving him away. You’re punished for having normal human reactions to being treated so badly. You’re too needy, demanding and clingy. Now you are accused of being a bully or a cheater or a liar. He leaves you for someone else or he cheats on you. Either way, it’s your fault! You think so because you know you are worthless trash and he’ll tell you so. You deserved it! You are not good enough!

And the cycle of shit relationships continue…until you wake up and realize that you are worthy. You are beautiful. You deserve to be loved and respected. You deserve to be treated like a human being and until you start to believe this you will be someone’s target. Users are just bullies that hunt like sharks and people with low self esteem are the chum floating in the water…all bloody and tempting.

Fight the urge to believe that if only you lost some weight, you’d be worthy. YOU ALREADY ARE.

You are beautiful, sexy and amazing and once you believe it, you’ll project that image to the world. You’ll then attract people who see you as you are and not who you once thought you were.

 

 

 

 

When Your Heart Has Been Smashed…

How do you recover both your heart and your self esteem after a nasty break up? That is the question of the ages. We’ve all been there. Love is one of life’s greatest gifts but it comes with a dark side. The dark side is something we all face when the love leaves and even more tragic…the love doesn’t always leave. What can you do when the person you loved and thought you were going to spend your life with changes their mind and stops loving you?

The first thing you must realize is that it’s not a bad thing. We break up and then all we can focus on is how amazing the love was and how the person who left was the most amazing person ever. They were damn near a saint!!  We forget how shitty the relationship became, how that great person made us feel unworthy of them, ignored us, cheated on us, made us feel completely unloved and unwanted. We’re devastated, broken, unimaginably hurt. We start to think love isn’t in the cards for us, we amplify our every flaw into these gigantic billboards. We pound our firsts and think no one will ever love us!!! How could they when we are so worthless and unattractive?

Break ups, like infidelity,  can just wreck our self esteem and it seems damn near impossible to get it back. We have no choice though, we MUST get it back. In Can A Big Girl Be Sexy?  I had unanimous agreement that the outer package is not truly what makes a person attractive, it really boils down to self confidence.  Though I didn’t need people to agree with me, I’ve seen it in practice for most of my adult life. If you have self confidence, you project it, you treat yourself as you should and THAT is what makes a person sexy and appealing to others.  Now you can read that post and change “Big Girl” to pretty much anything (over40 girl, Cancer Survivor girl, short girl, super tall girl) and the post still applies, heck, it applies to men as well. Self confidence is the driving force of sex appeal and once you get yours back…you will realize that love is NEVER not in the cards for you. When there is life, there is hope and there is love. It’s really that simple.

So, what do you do when your heart has been smashed? How can you start to rebuild your self confidence? Getting laid helps and it helps a lot. Nothing boosts you up like having someone want to fuck you, especially if you don’t think you are remotely fuckable. So, you need to get back on the horse, as they say. If you don’t, you will have crippled yourself and created a permanent wound where one hadn’t existed until now. Don’t let self doubt take up a permanent residency inside your head. Fight it! Fake it if you must but push yourself into action. Stop crying and be a fighter.  Sign up for a dating sites and start going out on dates.

You must do something and I know it seems impossibly hard but once you do, you will be happy again…

 

How Do You Make Him Give Up Porn?

Queenofallevil,

My husband has a porn addiction and it’s ruining our marriage.He watches it all the time and he’s always looking at porn sites. I hate it. I don’t want to make love with him because I know it’s not me who is exciting him. He says he enjoys it but it is not the porn that makes him horny, it’s me. I don’t believe him. He’s always been into it but once we married, he should have stopped.  It’s like cheating! Help me, please. I need him to understand. How can I make him stop?

I’ll be really honest with you, it’s not porn that’s ruining your marriage, but you might be. You have a problem with porn, obviously. He watched it BEFORE you married him and you still married him? You say marriage should have made him stop, but did you make it a condition of marriage? If yes, and he agreed, then you have a problem. BUT, if you didn’t, and I kinda doubt that you did, then the problem rests with you. Marriage is not some magic balm that changes a person into the perfect specimen because you decree it.

Porn is NOT cheating. There are probably a million people wishing their ex watched porn rather than banged someone outside the marriage.  Porn is looking at naked people or watching sexual acts. Cheating is engaging in the behavior. I can watch firefighters put out a fire, that does not make me a fireman. It makes me an observer.

Put on your big girl pants and ask yourself what is really the problem with the porn? I think it’s more about you being insecure than anything else. Insecurity unchecked will destroy your relationship … eventually. You asked him and he told you that you turn him on. Believe him. I’ll tell you what it likely is. He probably has a fantasy or a fetish that he is not comfortable sharing with you and maybe he gets that fix from what he’s watching. We all have something, and we are scared someone will think we’re weird or a sicko, so we keep it buried.  I have one and after being with my husband almost 7 years, he does not know it. I have not had the courage to confess it, I’ve come close but alas … no cigar. Heck he told me one of his only recently!!!

Why not try this: instead of giving yourself the vapors, ask him to watch his porn with you.  He will either be elated that you want to try that with him or he’ll be compelled to tell you what he’s been hiding. Whatever the case, remember that you love this man and chose to be his wife. Don’t judge him, love him.

Now to be 100% totally fair, I will say that there can be a problem with porn viewing. Is porn replacing YOU? Is he watching porn rather than choosing to be with you? Has your sex life slumped but his viewing of porn increased? Do you feel as if you’ve been replaced sexually by porn and/or his online activity? If any of these are what’s happening, it’s a problem. I didn’t get the impression from your email that any of these situations were the case.

If they are, please, email me back, rosie[dot]ribner[at]gmail[dot]com – I will write another post to cover those question because that answer is VERY different than the one I gave here.

 

Sexy Idea…New Twist

Some of you Big Girls are reading my posts and thinking, “yeah, whatever Queen that shit won’t work for me because…(fill in your low self esteem belief/excuse here)”. Yeah, I know, I was there.  That’s why I am writing this blog.

I WAS YOU. Lacking self confidence can be positively crippling both emotionally and physically, Physically? How so? Easily, if you’re NOT right in your head, you will not enjoy sex; you can and likely do inhibit your ability to orgasm.

All great sex, for women, starts in the mind and works its way down through your body. Got that? If you don’t believe you’re sexy, you won’t believe your mate when they tell you or show you how sexy you are…don’t waste your opportunity. Enjoy every moment, stop telling yourself you can’t cum unless…just be in the moment and feel it.

I’m giving you ideas to help build your self confidence, some of them will make you balk. I know, trust me, I know. Most people assume that self confidence is what allows you to step up your sexy game to the next level.  Like the old question about what came first the chicken or the egg…most of the time stepping up your sexy is what leads you to building your self confidence. It’s a leap of faith.. You may not succeed your first time out but NEVER stop trying, if you don’t jump, you cannot fly. Once you start flying, the confidence starts rising till you’re soaring.

That said, now let me share with you an idea that will help you get lift off. Boudoir photos. I’m not suggesting you go to a place and pay to get pictures done. Nope, nada and nyet!

Step 1: Dig out or purchase some sexy lingerie

Step 2: Fix up your hair, put on your make up and wear your hottest outfit.

Step 3. Walk over to your spouse/SO, smile, say nothing and hand them a camera/cell phone or Ipad

Step 4. Crook your finger and walk to the bedroom.

Step 5. Start posing and in the process start removing your lingerie

Step 6. Let them take a few nude shots, unless they couldn’t hold out

Step 7. Fuck their brains out or let them fuck your brain out.

Most important thing I want you to do is SAY NOTHING with your mouth before Step 7.  We can effectively kill a mood with negativity.  Don’t ruin the momentum you’re creating by telling yourself or your mate that you look fat/feel fat or whatever. Speak with your eyes and your body; fake it till you make if you must but keep that trap shut!!! LOL

Even if your relationship isn’t in the greatest place, this will work wonders for both you and your relationship.

 

 

Insecurities

We all have insecurities no matter how amazing we think we are. The key to overcoming them is to face them head on, confront them outright and make friends with them and then move on.

Why should make friends with your insecurities? Because it takes away the power they have over you. Insecurities are so powerful that they can cause you to do things that sabotage yourself in relationships – all relationships romantic and platonic. They are like a dark force and the more you believe the negative the stronger they get. You must learn to smile at your fears, smile at your pain and tell yourself over and over that you are amazing. Don’t let that dark shadow demon win the battle in your head.

When you are losing the battle, you see everything negatively. You believe people are seeing you the way your insecurities are framing things in your head. Then you lash out, get angry and try hard to hurt the people that your demon shadow has convinced you are hurting you.  The irony, of course, is that the people you try to hurt have not been demonizing you at all. That’s all in your own head space but now you’ve pushed them away.  How many friends or potential lovers have you lost because you read the situation wrong? Because your own demons took over and made you lash out, you now stand alone in your pain. The only winner in this is your demon.

I did this over and over because I believed that I was unworthy of love. I projected this belief on others without any real evidence. I mean I thought there was evidence but that’s only because my demons had such control over me that I was weakened and unable to see things rationally. I drove people out of my life faster than I let them in. I had very shallow relationships with people because it made it easy to toss them out when my demons took control.

Insecurities are something we all have and something that will never go fully away. The key is to face them, acknowledge they exist and take away their power. Insecurities have a lot in common with vanity to the point that some can’t tell them apart. They both make you look very self absorbed. Insecure people, like vain people, see everything said, done or written to be about them, when they are not. Vain people think all good is them, insecure think all the bad is about them. The truth is that most people think more about themselves than they ever will about you – good or bad. So, fight the demon.

How do you do that, you may be asking? Practice.

First, always tell yourself that you are worthy of love and happiness. Stop obsessing about your flaws. Stop assuming others are only seeing your flaws because they aren’t. Being chubby is less of a flaw than being an asshole and our insecurities make us really big assholes.

Second, forgive yourself and be especially forgiving of others. True forgiveness means “give” as you did beFORE you were hurt. That’s true forgiveness. When you GIVE of yourself like you did before you were hurt, then you know you’ve truly forgiven. Sometimes those who hurt you don’t want the forgiveness, in those cases…just walk away. Sadly, not everyone wants to be friends but as long as you try, you will succeed.

Last, stop with all the projection. This is a big one. Insecurities make us project shit onto other people and that is seriously fucked up. We do this thinking it shows how secure we are but really all we are doing is telling the world EXACTLY what we are insecure about. Click that link and read about it. A truly secure person does not have to cut down another, a truly secure person builds up not only themselves but others as well.

Hopefully, we can all beat down this dark shadow in our minds and walk away friends. Smile at your demon and take away his/her power.